Scenario: After a long workday, you finally (who knows how?) manage to give yourself a mini facial, swipe on some mascara, and put on something that resembles a “going-out” shoe. It’s date night and everything is set. Childcare? Check (thanks to Vivvi). Sleeping baby before departure? Check. Reservation at a restaurant that does not have a children’s menu but an ample wine selection? Triple. Check.
You arrive shockingly on time. Candles, flowers, the works. And then suddenly it creeps in:
“Oh my god,” you blurt out, “did you hear Tommy make his dinosaur noise today? Can you even!”
And from then on, it’s more of the same. For the next. Three. Hours.
Adorable storytelling about new sounds, milestone achievements, and descriptions of bowel movements. All whilst at the dinner table. You’re sitting there with your S.O. (not to mention your moisturized face and epic shoes) and all the two of you can talk about is that collage video thing Google put together of little Tommy’s playdate.
“It’s completely expectable to want to share with your partner the most important thing going on in your life,” Christin Drake, MD, psychiatrist and women’s mental health expert tells us. “The trouble is, parents really benefit a great deal from the feeling of a break from their parenting duties and that includes emotional work. So it is very worthwhile to take a break from the conversations about baby and to try to focus on speaking about yourselves or about what is going on in the rest of the world.”
Here, Dr. Drake, a mama of two herself, shares some suggestions on how to get through the hurdle without ignoring the adorably cute elephant (your baby) in the room.
Find and then trust your childcare option.
“Having support with childcare makes all of the difference here. It is good practice to ask for it, barter for it, pay for it when you can. And again, getting into the practice of using childcare over and above what you may need for work and other family obligations in order to have time for self-care and caring for the partnership.”
Make time to talk about the real stuff.
“One pattern that I have seen is that new parents don’t actually have enough time to discuss necessary household and baby logistics so they end up spending precious time during an evening out or a stolen coffee date talking about their kids. I often suggest a family meeting at whatever cadence makes sense for your family as a placeholder for those conversations. Then, if kid talk is creeping into adult time, it is easier to remind one another that there is a place and time for that… and that time is enough.”
Get intimate.
“Casual touch is a phenomenal tool, especially for new parents who are in the thick of the physical parts of raising children and when sex does not feel as appealing or as possible. Eye contact, smiles, a hand on the small of the back, all of these small efforts can go a long way to remind parents that they have a sexual and intimate connection. And they take no time at all. I also always like to remind people that screens and phones work directly against a satisfying intimate life for so many parents. So if you have ambitions to have a satisfying sex life, you really must put the phone down.”
Go guilt-free.
“What is healthy for parents is good for children. Spending all of our time thinking and talking and doing for the baby is [not so healthy]. There is just no way to be a satisfied adult in that situation. So prioritizing ourselves really is essential to being the best parents we can be. If you can sit with that, the conflict between time for parents and time for baby softens a bit.”
Want to learn more? Watch our digital event with our friends from Vivvi, below:
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