My path to motherhood was anything but simple. It was years of trying, grieving, hoping, and starting over—until I finally let go of the ideas I’d been clinging to for so long about what becoming a mom was “supposed” to look like. The saga began over 4 years ago in the midst of a global pandemic. If someone told me at the start that I would go through years of IVF (8 retrievals and 4 failed transfers to be exact), over 600 total injections of wild hormones that would ravage my mind and body, several surgeries, two surrogates, a handful of pregnancy losses, a premature birth and a NICU stay, I would’ve kindly opted out. But knowing we made it to the other side, and having learned what we did, I wouldn’t change a thing.
Our journey was long, complicated and seemingly met with new challenges at every stage, not to mention marked by other major life traumas as well: I lost my Mom to terminal cancer, we lived through COVID in isolation from friends, family and loved ones, and we packed up our life and moved across the country to Los Angeles, IVF needles and meds in tow.
It still seems almost too surreal to say, but we have since welcomed 2 (!!!!) brand new babes via 2
different surrogates. James and Mia were born exactly 17 weeks apart to the day — not the path we ever
imagined navigating, but one that has had such a profound impact on our lives. Surrogacy is amazing,
beautiful, excruciating, complicated, expensive, stressful and so much more than I can even name at the moment. Most notably, it is NOT the quick and straightforward solve that we anticipated it being after so many years of failure and disappointment that led to it.
Our incredibly brave, resilient, and selfless surrogate Tori endured two devastating miscarriages before her third pregnancy successfully brought us our beautiful son James in August. Navigating those additional losses with Tori after having suffered so much loss on our own was complicated. We were each dealing with our own grief, attempting to hold space for each other, and searching for a small sliver of hope that maybe it would work if we just tried one more time. In trying to hedge against further loss and not lose more time, we made quite possibly one of the crazier decisions of our life – to work with a 2nd surrogate, Crystal, at the same time. In a not-so-unexpected turn of events (I kinda knew this would end up happening), both surrogates became pregnant just 6 months apart. Just when I had mastered the ability to be home with my newborn son alone AND take a shower on the same day, Crystal was hospitalized in early November at 29 weeks pregnant with PPROM (Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes), putting her at high risk for early labor. She remained hospitalized for five weeks (every day of which we held our breath, hoping for just one more day that she would stay inside) until delivering our tiny but mighty and sweet daughter Mia at 34 weeks. Then, we became NICU parents. All we wanted was for Mia to graduate from the NICU and get home safely. But now we have to care for 2 infants – not a job for the faint of heart.
I’d be lying if I said I was happy about the painful road we’ve traveled to get here, but I do know deep down that it happened the way it was meant to and that it’s given me so much strength and preparation for motherhood that I wouldn’t have otherwise seen. It’s also given me the invaluable lived experience of 2 different surrogate journeys, which I can now harness to help other families going through similar struggles.
Today, I’m focused on bridging the massive gaps in the surrogacy experience. I’m working with intended parents to help them find their perfect surrogate match quickly. How? I cast a wide net in my search for the perfect gestational carrier, and work with a large network of agencies that I have personally vetted, saving parents a tremendous amount of time and often money. Many agencies that doctors initially recommend are wonderful, but often have waitlists of 12-18 months – an eternity when you already feel behind in your family building goals.
My concierge service provides personalized, transparent guidance through the surrogacy process with a focus on ethical practices and authentic connection. I’m creating resources that explain the realities without sugar-coating, but also without killing hope. I’m connecting intended parents with surrogates and agencies who truly align with their values and expectations, helping them build their team of doctors, lawyers, insurance providers and mental health professionals, and in the process, I’m advocating for change.
Because here’s what I know for sure: even when surrogacy works beautifully (which it did for us, despite
all the complications), the process is still fundamentally broken. From the way hospitals treat non-birthing parents, to the astronomical costs, to the complete absence of education around how to approach the journey from the start… so much can and should be done better. If you’re out there reading this and are going through it, I see you. Everything is temporary, nothing ever goes as planned, and the road is really f*cking hard – but we can all do hard things.
Carly runs a surrogacy concierge program to consult and support women in their journey to motherhood. You can find her on Instagram @carlypjoseph!
