When facing a change in my life such as moving cities, getting married or bringing home a new puppy, I try not to get too high or too low — I stay as pragmatic as possible, and prepare the best I can. Most of all, I try not to “arrive before I get there”.
Preparing for the life change of having a child felt similar — but with higher stakes. I read, organized, and tried to anticipate every scenario. But reality has a way of showing up with its own plan.
Labor & Delivery
Expectation: I would be a supporting player — the soothing, somewhat annoying presence to my wife as she carried out one of the hardest biological challenges ever. Helping her to stay comfortable while updating our families as things progressed.
Reality: Cut to me raising my wife’s right leg, in the position I learned not 5 minutes before from the nurse, with each contraction as my wife pushed. Racing through my mind was — I’m not qualified for this, I sit in front of a computer all day working on spreadsheets and powerpoint slides! I should have stretched!
Recommendation: Be resolved that once it’s showtime, that “plan” you spent hours designing will inevitably go out the window. Be present, follow the nurses’ lead, take mental snapshots (your partner will remember less than you will), and keep family updated without letting hours pass between texting updates. New grandparents worry.
Recovery:
Expectation: I would receive direct guidance from the doctors and nurses on how to keep this little human alive and be ushered into parenthood softly by the graces of America’s healthcare system.
Reality: I was in an exhausted haze. I, along with my wife, who just had tremendous body trauma, had to immediately figure out how much to feed this little human we just met.
It’s not a restful or peaceful time for anyone, baby included. I lost count of the number of doctors, specialists, coaches, and administrators that came through our recovery room. I took the lead in speaking with them, taking notes on their directives and next steps in my phone’s shared note with my wife, and ensuring my wife was as comfortable as she could be while remembering how to change a diaper and swaddle the baby.
Recommendation:
- Ask a nurse, stay off the internet: Don’t research what they’re doing. Don’t scour Reddit. Be humble enough to ask your dozens of questions to a nurse (who are the true rockstars).
- Use the services that fit your situation: The nurse, and our friends recommended our newborn sleep in the nursery overnight. We were hesitant at first (we just met the baby!), but knew we needed rest after a few long days and longer ones ahead of us
- Celebrate: My wife, who followed the guidance of not eating cold cuts, fantasized about eating an Italian sub from Chicago’s famed JP Graziano’s as her first meal after the baby arrived. I asked my brother to pick up the sub and bring it with him when he came to visit us in the hospital. It’s small, but it meant a lot and signaled the end of the pregnancy and the start of the fourth trimester.
First Few Days Home:
Expectation: I’d be flooded with emotions each time my baby gazed up at me. I was going to be the most tired, most unshowered I’d ever been because I could only “sleep when my baby slept.” I’d only be able to function because I’d be drinking from a bottomless pot of coffee.
Reality: I did not sit down except to watch one episode of British Bakeoff. I became the household’s sole operations manager. I picked up my wife’s recovery supplies at Target, I baked the frozen meals, I sanitized the bottles, I washed pump parts, I refilled the Baby Brezza, I filled water bottles and administered medications. I fielded texts, calls, deliveries and visit requests — advocating for my wife as she dealt with physical recovery and feeding decisions. I did my fair share of cuddles and bonding. But my primary role and goal was to make sure all four of us were fed properly, that my wife could get six hours of straight sleep at night, my dog still had plenty of pets, and visitors came (and stayed) when it was right for us.
Recommendation:
- Protect your peace, schedule visits ahead of time: Establish boundaries those first few days, if not weeks. Your family and friends are wonderful, but you and your partner need time to settle into a rhythm.
- Figure out uninterrupted overnights: A first dad goal should be to help your wife sleep 6 hours uninterrupted the first 4 to 6 weeks so her body can recover. This sounds daunting but can be done by scheduling smart shifts, hiring help, or asking family to take a night.
- Take it three hours at a time: Embrace being present, don’t look for patterns. Just make sure your baby is eating and sleeping at healthy ratios.
First Few Months
Expectations: I didn’t really have any. Not that I didn’t think about it. I was pretty confident that my expectations were not going to match reality.
Reality: This was the best match to expectations. I learned early on (maybe the first week or two) that babies have rhythms, but they don’t have patterns. What I mean by that, is they will start giving you cues early on as to what they like or what they need, but they won’t stick to a schedule or follow a guidebook.
Recommendation:
- “This is only temporary” is a mantra my wife and I told each other a lot. Typically during the harder times or longer nights. Baby habits change quicker than you realize, so remember that the hard parts are only temporary.
- “Obstacle is the Way”: To use stoicism and plug a great Ryan Holiday book, you’re going to face a lot of things that will feel challenging or overwhelming. But what if you framed these as little tests to become a better dad or husband? You’ll fail some of them, but most you’ll pass and be a better partner for it.
- Determine childcare early! If you are reading this now and are even thinking about having a child… close your laptop, and go get your name on a daycare list, nanny search, etc. The biggest reality check? All those expectations serve a purpose—they help you prepare mentally. But the reality is messier, more physical, and more beautiful than anyone tells you. The emotional moments happen but they’re mixed in with figuring out diaper supply runs and whether the baby’s eating enough.
That’s not a bad thing. It’s just real life with a tiny new person in it.
Happy Father’s Day.
