A COVID Conversation: via ZOOM On Pregnancy, Birth, And Postpartum During CV-19.

As we adjust to the landscape of our new normal there are so many questions to be had, especially when it comes to pregnancy. In hopes of bringing some relief and answers to the pressing questions on our minds, we hosted an intimate digital gathering in partnership with Cyndi Ramirez of Chillhouse, Ashleigh Stone of Poolside, and Sarah Levy of Y7. The talk, led by Jada Shapiro, founder of boober and Birth Day Presence, in conversation with Dr. Jacqueline Worth, OBGYN and co-author of The New Rules of Pregnancy, and 13 awesome pregnant women from our community was intended to bring people together to ask questions, voice their concerns and give access to experts. 

In an effort to mitigate worry and provide support plus guidance through this incredibly fast-evolving unprecedented situation, we rounded up the most helpful tips from this moving discussion with Dr. Jacqueline Worth, OBGYN. 

AT RISK

In general are pregnant people more susceptible to the coronavirus?

Dr. Worth: Great news, there is no evidence that pregnant women are any more susceptible to coronavirus than anyone else. However, in the British College of OB-GYN, they put pregnant women in the vulnerable category out of extreme caution as it’s known that some pregnant women are more susceptible to viral infections. Therefore we’re going to treat them as if they’re vulnerable, but there’s absolutely no evidence that I’ve seen, or know of at this time that has determined that pregnant women are in fact more susceptible. Additionally, there’s no evidence that it passes in any way to the baby through vertical transmission or the placenta blood.

PRENATAL APPOINTMENTS

Should appointments be held in-person or via telemedicine? What do you suggest?

Dr Worth: Essentially, we’ve set up an alternating visit model individualized for each patient. In addition to social distancing, I suggest to all my patients that we follow exactly what Governor Cuomo explains in his press conferences in terms of prenatal care visits. 

In my practice, we’ve taken several precautions in the office such as separating the chairs and spacing out appointments. Plus, we’re suggesting (if possible) for patients to come in a family car to avoid public transportation. 

In terms of telemedicine. It’s a work in progress and an entirely different thing. The appointments are not as efficient since I don’t have my hands on the belly and I’m not able to listen to the baby’s heartbeat. That said, I know my patients incredibly well and have a curriculum we review at each visit from fetal testing to upcoming lab work and answer any questions related to the pandemic. 

What tools can women have at home to assist with a telemedicine visit? 

Dr. Worth: Typically a prenatal visit would include checking the baby’s heartbeat, plus the mom’s blood pressure, protein & glucose levels, temperature, and weight. That said, most of those things can be done at home. I’m asking my patients to get a blood pressure cuff, scale, thermometer, and dipsticks on Amazon so they can take their own vitals. In the absence of being able to check the fetal heart rate, I inquire about the most recent sonogram plus we talk about fetal movement. 

Should women get a doppler at home?

Dr. Worth: If you have a doppler and are comfortable using it, this can be a great tool. However, my experience with the doppler is tricky and I worry someone might not find the heartbeat, then be distraught and unable to get a quick answer to confirm everything is okay. I would suggest bringing your doppler to your doctor’s office and practice using it with your doctor or midwife before going at it alone. I’m ordering a few to have on hand at my office to teach patients for this reason.

LABOR

There was a ruling related to partners at the hospitals during birth which has been reversed but in the event of a partner not being present for the birth how would you best deal with this?

Dr. Worth: This is a huge issue weighing heavily on everyone’s mind. I’ll start by saying, it’s almost unimaginable to be asked to birth, without anybody there to support you. Which is symbolic of how serious this pandemic is and how many people are dying or at risk. While the original order to disallow partners from the hospital has been lifted if for some reason a partner is not able to be present for the birth they can FaceTime into it. We have also had doulas on laptops that have stayed up all night with the mother. Though unusual, it was incredibly supportive and helped the patient have a lovely birth.

What are the best options for birth at this time: C-section, labor at home or induction? 

Dr. Worth: There are three ways to come to the hospital: Active labor, a scheduled C-section or labor induction.

The difference between labor induction and spontaneous labor is that induction labor generally means a patient will spend more time laboring — about 20 hours on average. Whereas spontaneous active labor is about 6 hours of laboring which decreases your exposure to the hospital. Additionally, labor that starts with medicine is typically more difficult as the mother is attached to a lot of machines. If you’re a patient who wants a more natural approach to birth, it’s particularly challenging to start your labor this way, lying in bed.

In China, during the epidemic, there were many more C Sections performed. The upside to a C-section is that birth is accomplished in about 45 minutes so the patient is potentially at the hospital for less time. Please note, I’m not recommending a C-Section because of COVID.

Are you recommending that people actually labor home even much longer than you normally would? 

Dr. Worth: When you’re in the hospital, you will be in a private room, safe and not exposed. I’m extremely wary in our practice when patients want to labor at home for an extended period as there’s no way to know the baby’s status or mom’s levels. I recommend patients come into our office where we put them on the fetal monitor to check vital signs and do an exam. From there we can determine how long they want to stay out of the hospital…if that’s their personal goal.  

I want to make clear that I’m very hesitant to tell women to stay home and not be checked in case, God forbid, something were to go wrong. While rare, I prefer to be cautious.

What are the protocols for a pregnant woman to walk into any random hospital, if she decides to leave the city last minute? 

Dr. Worth: Any pregnant patient who walks into the labor floor of a hospital will be cared for by that hospital and not be turned away.

If you feel that you may need to leave suddenly, ask your doctor or your midwife for a copy of your medical records in advance, so you have a recent sonogram and labs on hand. Upon arrivals, explain that you had to move away because you were scared and could they please help you. 

That said, I would recommend having some kind of connection with the place that you go such as a friend or family. There have been reports of neighboring towns around New York City being hostile towards the refugees from New York.

If a mother tests positive or are having symptoms when they come to give birth, how are you taking care of them? Is there isolation and what happens with the baby post-birth? 

Dr. Worth: Given that policies and mandates are changing daily, this would likely need to be addressed on a case by case basis. That said, fortunately, none of my pregnant patients have been COVID positive or sick.

However, should a mother in labor be sick, I would have that patient wear a mask to protect the staff and anyone else from catching the disease. Plus they would labor in an isolation room. 

Post-birth, the current guidelines state to separate the baby from the mother if she is COVID positive to protect the baby’s health. Plus, they recommend the baby be provided with pumped breast milk by a healthy person to avoid having the mom cough and breathe on the baby.

ADDITIONAL PRECAUTIONS

What should pregnant patients do to protect themselves when going outside?

Dr. Worth: Wear a mask when you go out and separate yourself by six feet from anybody else.

Also, Governor Cuomo talked about something called Matilda’s Law which he named after his mother, and is intended for the elderly and the most vulnerable. It’s recommended for someone over 70 or immune-compromised not to leave the house or have anyone over. If you consider pregnant women as being in the vulnerable category, then I would suggest following this rule.

Lastly, if someone must come over then both the elderly or pregnant person plus the visitor should be wearing masks and be at least six feet apart. Ideally, they should keep the visit brief as well.

As for masks, are you able to reuse them? If a pregnant person can’t get a mask, is a bandana, okay? 

Dr. Worth: Masks are in short supply and hard to come by. Therefore wearing a bandana or any fabric over your face is better than nothing. 

IMMUNITY & VITAMINS

What can we do to stay healthy and boost our immune system?  

Dr. Worth: Overall the goal is to stay rested and healthy by eating well and taking extra supplements. I’m getting lots and lots of sleep, more than ever before, and drinking tons of water to stay hydrated. 

Personally, I take a little extra vitamin C, D, and Zinc every day. About 50 milligrams of Zinc or micrograms, 1000 milligrams of Vitamin C and 1000 to 2000 milligrams of Vitamin D.

My acupuncturist suggests taking elderberry syrup and manuka honey — are there any immunity building benefits to these ingredients?

Dr. Worth: Absolutely. Sounds fine to me. Although please remember that kids under age 1 can’t have raw honey. 

Can too much vitamin D cause birth defects?

Dr. Worth: Testing for vitamin D goes back and forth but I test my patience for vitamin D regularly and whenever their levels are less than 20 or less than 30 I recommend supplementing with 1000 to 2000 milligrams daily which is a conservative recommendation as you don’t want to overdo things in pregnancy. Plus, taking a walk from time to time outside in a socially distant way to get some sunlight and fresh air is important.

POSTPARTUM HELP?

How do you suggest that support people such as a baby nurse or postpartum doulas come over after the birth?

Dr. Worth: I’ll start by saying these are special times and I believe this is a short term problem. But, for this immediate period, if I were a new mom with a new baby at home, I would not have anybody over. I realize it’s hard to imagine that and perhaps it’s not what you had planned, but as I told a patient yesterday who’d hired a baby nurse, you can do this alone. And, unless you can be 100% sure that your nurse has quarantined herself for at least two weeks and then doesn’t leave your home, it’s too much of a risk. Personally, I would not do it.

Additionally, I would not leave the house for a month, or six weeks. If a baby gets a fever in the first month of life, they’re at risk to get sepsis, because they are too young to have a strong immune system to fight infections. The last thing you want right now is to go into the ER and be at high risk of getting COVID. 

All this to say, think about how much our lives have changed in ways that were incomprehensible a month ago and yet somehow we’re managing. As women, we’re resilient. We can do this. We are strong. You can care for your baby on your own as we navigate out of these uncertain times. 

Boober is offering virtual doulas (to keep everybody safe), wherein they match people to postpartum doulas for support and virtual check-ins throughout the day. While not the same as in-person, hopefully, this can help make a mother feel less alone and offer some comfort and support. 

Plus, Jada will be personally available if anyone has questions during the rest of your pregnancy and as you approach labor. Feel free to contact her directly at jada@getboober.com. Boober offers virtual support to new families by connecting them to 1-on-1 tele-health sessions for Lactation Support, Labor Support, Postpartum Care, and Mental Health Support. Right now they are offering 10% off your first Virtual Lactation Support Session with code VIRTUAL10.

Everything You Need To Know about COVID-19 From Our Experts.

We’ve tapped into our Healthcare Advisory Board to share common questions and answers as it relates to pregnancy and birth with COVID-19.

MEET OUR BOARD

Sam Huggins, Full-Spectrum Doula + Co-founder of Carriage House Birth 

Lauren Zielinski, Certified Nurse Midwife & Birthing Specialist

Kim Jones, Perinatal Mental Health Specialist & Associate Clinical Director, The Center for Postpartum Family Health 

Dr. Aviva Romm, MD, midwife + herbalist

LaShanda Dandrich, Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC)

GENERAL QUESTIONS

Where can I gather the most accurate information about COVID-19?

“While we encourage you to stay abreast for your safety and the safety of those around you, please consider limiting your intake of COVID related information directly.  This would be a great time to call in a friend or family member who wants to help and let them filter and then break down whatever it is that is applicable to you into bite size pieces.  

For the most accurate info that hasn’t been sensationalized by big headlines – 

Center For Disease Control General (CDC) or the World Health Organization. Please also check your local department of health for your region’s specific content.”

– Samantha Huggins, Full-Spectrum Doula

Can Covid-19 be transmitted in Utero?

“According to studies to date, pregnant mamas do not pass COVID-19 to their babies in utero. Babies born to moms with COVID-19 have not tested positive for the virus at birth, and there has been no detectable COVID-19 in the amniotic fluid nor the umbilical cord blood of these newborns. There’s also no evidence that a mama can infect her baby during labor. However, newborns can develop COVID-19, and while few serious cases of infection have been reported worldwide, it’s important to remain aware of possible risks, stay vigilant to signs of distress or COVID-19 infection in newborns, and do our best to prevent baby’s exposure to infection where possible.”

— Dr. Aviva Romm, MD, midwife + herbalist

How can I set boundaries with friends and family about visiting while we are practicing social distancing?

“Let people know ahead of time your expectations and wishes for visitors.  While most hospitals are currently limiting visitors, people may want to come visit once you are home. It’s okay to let people know that you would like to wait to have visitors.  Discuss your expectations with your partner ahead of time and let your partner know if you would like them to help in letting others know what your needs and limits are postpartum.”

— Kim Jones, LPC, LMFT, Perinatal Mental Health Specialist 

What are the effects of COVID-19 if contracted during pregnancy?

While having answers and facts may be what you’re looking for and put your mind and heart at ease – globally – we have very little research and scientific understanding about the effects of COVID-19 on pregnant people and unborn children. From a number of case reports taken from China it does not seem likely that if you contract COVID-19 it can be vertically transmitted (passed to baby through your body) before baby is born.

This is good news. There were a few cases of babies in China who acquired COVID-19 shortly after birth, however it is unclear if these babies became sick with coronavirus before, during or after birth. It’s important to know that the majority of babies did not become sick – just because a mom was sick. There have been 2 infant deaths reported from Coronavirus in the United States, there is very little information available about these cases. Rest assured though that overall, the rate of serious complications, the chance of a baby contracting COVID-19 and death in infants is rare from what we know so far.

— Lauren Zielinski, Certified Nurse Midwife & Birthing Specialist

Should I still be going to my prenatal visits? Is it safe?

“Despite these hard times – it is still important to attend prenatal care to ensure the health and wellbeing of your pregnancy and unborn babe. DO wear a mask to your visits. Most offices are now offering a reduced prenatal care schedule as recommended by the World Health Organization and tele-health visits (video chat visits). The reduced schedule is the bare minimum needed for healthy pregnancies and should absolutely suffice for most healthy – uncomplicated people. If you have more risk factors than normal you should ask to discuss a plan for you on a case by case basis with your midwife or OB-GYN. The typically offered reduced prenatal visit schedule typically looks like:

  • 12 week visit
  • 20 week visit
  • 28 week visit
  • 32 week visit
  • 36 week visit
  • Weekly visits after 36 weeks until birth

Visits in between these in person visits may be offered as tele-health visits. If you have the resources to do so and know you will be receiving prenatal care it won’t hurt to purchase: 

  • Automatic blood pressure cuff
  • Learn how to take your own pulse
  • Weigh yourself before every tele-health visit
  • A doppler to listen to baby’s heart rate (optional – these are expensive)”

— Lauren Zielinski, Certified Nurse Midwife & Birthing Specialist

“It’s definitely important to keep up with prenatal care, though for most visits if you’re otherwise healthy, telemedicine is going to be the model for most appointments. However, even if you’re low risk, a few in-person appointments will be needed for basic blood work and some physical check-ins, and if you want or require them, ultrasounds. I recommend consolidating visits to a limited number of in-person appointments, without skipping any of the essentials that help identify possible problems, while maintaining enough digital connection to help you feel truly supported and have your questions answered. For example, you can combine an early prenatal visit with your prenatal labs, and if you’re planning to have an early ultrasound, get that done at the same time. You may be able to have your prenatal labs drawn at home, including your NIPT/NIPS if you’re having that done. If you’re choosing to have an anatomy scan (which is usually done between 18 and 20 weeks gestation), you can combine this with other routine prenatal visit concerns in person. Before you go into the office for any exams, ask them what precautions the office is following for prevention, and also, if you are otherwise healthy and low risk, if you should do a telemedicine check-in and postpone your scheduled visit for a couple of weeks right now. If you are high-risk, it’s likely you’ll need to keep your appointment, but do call ahead to see how the office will be protecting your health.”

— Dr. Aviva Romm, MD, midwife + herbalist

Can I go outside?

The fact is that no one knows if pregnant people are more susceptible to COVID-19 specifically, but there is some historical evidence that may suggest otherwise.  At this time, pregnant folks should follow the same rules as everyone else and stay home unless you have to. If you do go outside, wear the same protections that everyone else is using including masks, gloves, etc. You do not need N95’s to go get gas or pick up the groceries, those should be reserved for healthcare workers and people who are immunocompromised.  As for walks, go for it, with a mask! And try to do it at times of day when there are less people around.

From the CDC: We do not have information from published scientific reports about susceptibility of pregnant women to COVID-19. Pregnant women experience immunologic and physiologic changes which might make them more susceptible to viral respiratory infections, including COVID-19. Pregnant women also might be at risk for severe illness, morbidity, or mortality compared to the general population as observed in cases of other related coronavirus infections [including severe acute respiratory syndrome coronavirus (SARS-CoV)* and Middle East respiratory syndrome coronavirus (MERS-CoV)] and other viral respiratory infections, such as influenza, during pregnancy. Pregnant women should engage in usual preventive actions to avoid infection like washing hands often and avoiding people who are sick.

– Samantha Huggins, Full-Spectrum Doula

DELIVERY

How do I find out what the protocols are at my hospital for when I go to deliver my baby?

“Protocols are definitely on everyone’s mind. And it’s a good idea to start having candid conversations with your care provider in those last weeks of pregnancy about how to prepare.  Ultimately, the answers are changing daily still and so we still recommend you asking your medical team or call patient services at your hospital for an update if you spontaneously go into labor or the day before if you are planning an induction or c-birth.” 

– Samantha Huggins, Full-Spectrum Doula

Will my partner or doula be able to join me for the birth?  How can I prepare for this change in my hopes and plans for birth?

“Check with your provider on this one, first. At this time, most hospitals and birth centers are allowing one support person to be present during the birth. Some women are choosing to use video conferencing software to communicate with other support persons during labor. ACOG provides a simple and to the point list of recommendations for partners on how to be supportive during birth. This may be a helpful cheat sheet to share with partners that were planning on leaning on the expertise of a doula or other support person. Your hospital may also provide online classes to help in preparing for birth, such as these from Texas Children’s Hospital. Taking classes can be a great way to help women and their partners to know what to expect and how to prepare for birth and postpartum.” 

— Kim Jones, LPC, LMFT, Perinatal Mental Health Specialist 

Is there anything special I should pack for the hospital?

“PLEASE bring your own PPE if you have it.  The doctors, midwives and nurses will be forever grateful.  Please also bring your own clorox wipes to wipe down the handles and surfaces in your room, plastic ziploc bags for your street clothes and shoes, and an extension cord if you plan to stay connected to your doula, friends or family via a device during your hospital stay!  Assume that items like pillows and blankets that you bring you to a birth should be left behind.”

– Samantha Huggins, Full-Spectrum Doula

Should I just have a home birth?

“Well, this is NEVER a light decision even when we are not in a pandemic.  If you already believed that home birth was a safe and reasonable option for giving birth, you could be a candidate as long as you, your pregnancy and your baby are healthy and you live in a safe space to give birth. Again, different communities are responding in different ways.  Please reach out to your local midwives to find out if this is an option for you.” 

– Samantha Huggins, Full-Spectrum Doula

Are there any public voices that I should really be listening to right now in the birth community?

“We are LOVING Aviva Romm.  She has been providing such sage and powerful wisdoms throughout COVID 19 through her unique lens as an OB, former midwife and herbalist.”

– Samantha Huggins, Full-Spectrum Doula

If I become infected with COVID-19 – will I need a cesarean section?

No. There is no recommendation that birth by c-section is safer or recommended in the case of patients who test positive for COVID-19. Attempting vaginal birth for every pregnancy (without the presence of other medical complications preventing vaginal delivery) continues to be the recommended form of birth for most mothers – coronavirus times or not. 

— Lauren Zielinski, Certified Nurse Midwife & Birthing Specialist

SELF-CARE

What herbs can I take to support my immune system?

“During pregnancy, I always recommend mamas take a prenatal vitamin with folic acid (400 to 800 mcg, preferably in the form of methylfolate) daily, as well as fish oil for essential fatty acids important for baby’s brain health, and I recommend continuing to do so now. While there are no herbs or supplements at this time that are known to prevent or treat COVID-19, the amount of zinc and other nutrients in your prenatal vitamin should provide the core nutrients that will help support your immunity during this time. While there’s no harm in taking up to 30 mg zinc daily or up to 2000 mg of vitamin C daily, loading up on these during pregnancy is not recommended. Small studies have suggested that taking a daily probiotic could help prevent colds; of course, that’s not the same as COVID-19, and the evidence is weak – but it’s not harmful to take a probiotic in pregnancy. Adequate Vitamin D  levels, which can safely be achieved in most pregnant women by taking 2000 iu of Vitamin D3 daily, may also help support healthy immunity.

Herbal medicines including ginger and echinacea are considered safe during pregnancy, and have been found to support immunity. Teas such as chamomile, lemon balm, and ginger can help with aches and pains, as well as some digestive symptoms.”

— Dr. Aviva Romm, MD, midwife + herbalist

What are some things I can do right now to take care of myself?

Connect with others: Stay connected with others DAILY using whatever platform works best.  

Get outside safely: If you are able and it feels safe to do so, try to get outside for at least a few minutes each day, keeping your safe distance of course! Sunshine and change of environment can help keep spirits up during this challenging time.

Move your body: If you are cleared for physical activity by your physician or midwife, try to get at least 10 minutes of movement each day. Just a little movement can be helpful and feel refreshing. There are a ton of great resources online for workouts. Just remember to listen to your body and go at a pace that feels energizing and refreshing, not painful or too tiring.  For now, you may not have the same amount of energy for workouts as you did in the past, and that’s ok.   

Monitor your intake of news and social media: Some information can certainly be helpful to stay safe and prepared. Too much scrolling can contribute to anxiety and unhelpful worry. Notice how you are feeling as you read news and scroll social media, and use your emotional state as information to limit social media and news intake as needed.

The Center for Postpartum Family Health offers a simple checklist for staying on top of self-care https://cpfh.org/checklists/.  

— Kim Jones, LPC, LMFT, Perinatal Mental Health Specialist 

LACTATION

Can I breastfeed if I am COVID-19 positive?

“At this time, there is no evidence that would indicate that COVID is transmitted through breastmilk.  But each hospital has its own policy in place, and you may have preferences as well about how to deal with a COVID positive result.  You can read more about it here and speak with your midwife or  doctor and pediatrician about what they are seeing and doing.”

– Samantha Huggins, Full-Spectrum Doula

“Breastfeeding is still absolutely best for baby, even if mom has COVID-19, with rare exception of severe infection making a new mom to sick to breastfeed. While infection is not spread through breastmilk, an infected mom can transmit the virus through respiratory droplets during the period of breastfeeding, so if you have confirmed COVID-19 or you’re symptomatic, it’s essential to take all possible precautions to avoid spreading the virus to baby. This can be done by washing your hands before touching your baby and wearing a face mask while you’re feeding your baby. If you‘re pumping, wash your hands before touching any pump or bottle parts and follow recommendations for proper pump cleaning after each use. Also, if you’re well now and are able to pump, I recommend ‘stockpiling’ some breastmilk in the freezer, so that if you do get COVID-19 while breastfeeding, feel exhausted, or want to distance yourself from baby for your own peace of mind, then you have milk on hand for someone to feed baby from a bottle.”

— Dr. Aviva Romm, MD, midwife + herbalist

Should I cancel my first visit with my pediatrician and move to all telemedicine?

“Keep your visits with the pediatrician  2-3 days after discharge and the 2 week visit. Many pediatricians are forgoing the 2 week visit and just doing a tele-visit but I recommend keeping it to get the weight check so we can be sure that the baby is gaining weight well.”  

–LaShanda Dandrich, Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC) 

I’m having trouble nursing and am not sure what to do in this environment. What do I do?

“I worked together with HATCH on a blog post about debunking common nursing myths that covers everything from soreness to supply, so start there and practice patience. You can do this together as a team, with the right rest, relaxation, guidance and support. If you’re really struggling, I encourage all new families to continue to reach out for virtual help from lactation consultants and doulas!”

–LaShanda Dandrich, Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC) 

POSTPARTUM MENTAL HEALTH

What if I am freaking out?  Are their specific mental health resources that deal with pregnancy and postpartum people alongside anxiety and/or depression.

“One thousand percent YES!   Again, people experience these feelings even when it’s just a regular old Sunday.  Please reach out to Postpartum Support International (they take care of pregnant people too) and The Motherhood Center  They are both offering virtual support and resources.  If you are working with a doula right now, they can also help you find a therapist who deals specifically with the perinatal experience.   If you are having feelings that feel dangerous or scary, please call NSPL as they offer 24/7 support.”

– Samantha Huggins, Full-Spectrum Doula

How can I plan for support?

“I usually recommend that moms think ahead of time who their support people will be for the weeks and months following birth. Who will provide emotional support and adult conversation? Who will help provide meals? Think about these people ahead of time and let people know your hopes and expectations. When people offer to help, take them up on it! Even if you are an amazing independent woman, motherhood requires us to practice interdependence on a level that we may not be used to and may feel uncomfortable. NOW is the time to accept, ask for, or even demand help, if needed. Letting people know what you need ahead of time may look like:

“I may need a phone call every day just to check-in, can you be available for that?”  

“It would be really helpful to set up a Meal Train to help us have meals delivered after the baby comes. Can you help with that?” 

— Kim Jones, LPC, LMFT, Perinatal Mental Health Specialist 

If I am feeling overwhelmed or am concerned about my own or my partner’s mental health, what can I do?

“Many counselors and therapists are offering online therapy, especially now. Postpartum Support International can be a great resource in finding local providers, and also offers free online support groups and many other wonderful resources.  Please know that you are not alone, and help is available! With help, you will get through this”

— Kim Jones, LPC, LMFT, Perinatal Mental Health Specialist 

How will this change my postpartum period?

Unfortunately new mamas – you should be in the process of letting go of the visions you had of being surrounded by your new babes grandparents, aunts, uncles and best friends at home as soon as you get home from the hospital or even within weeks after… This is heartbreaking for most parents and understandably so. New children often bring families together – in the case of coronavirus – that togetherness will need to be put on hold when it comes to in person meetings. The very safest thing to do in this time is to limit the number of people visiting you to essentially no one outside of those who live with you – until social distancing measures are lifted. Of course its your babe and your bod so you have the ultimate decision – but most providers and organizations are recommending this social isolation measure for your safety and protection.

— Lauren Zielinski, Certified Nurse Midwife & Birthing Specialist

COVID Resources

Read Our COVID Conversation With Jada Shapiro + Dr.Jacqueline Worth

Fertility Stories As Told By Five Women In honor Of National Infertility Awareness Week.

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, we’re looking back at the powerful stories from a handful of our incredible mamas.

Reflecting on the topics that affect fertility, at every stage, everywhere, from decade-long IVF treatments to eastern healers, clean living, twins and donor eggs, plus the power of support, we celebrate the many paths to motherhood.

Kate Schelter 

Bump into Kate Schelter, and it’s easy to assume she’s been living that dream NYC life in every way. For the most part, that’s true. With a glittering career as an artist, author, creative director, and stylist, not to mention she’s a tall drink of water, happily married with a six-year-old daughter, and has one on the way. However, that’s where the story shifts, conceiving her second, was an incredible effort amplified by enormous loss, heartache, grief, and self-doubt, things perhaps unnoticed at first. At 28-weeks pregnant, Kate shared her long road through IVF, the solidarity and support she felt from her community, how she emotionally made it to the other side, and why her life and perspective will forever be altered. @kateschelter

Many people feel the birth of a child is the most life-changing moment, but for me, one of the hardest, soul-wrenching things I’ve ever gone through is the process of IVF and trying to get pregnant.

Read Her Story

Christene Barberich

Inspiration, entrepreneur, and new mama Christene Barberich, Co-Founder and Editor in Chief Of Refinery29, took time moments before she gave birth to her daughter to chat with us on her decade-long journey to motherhood. Herein she shares how miscarriages and pregnancy taught her to never stop believing, plus the power of love and support, and why it’s important not to sweat the small stuff. @christenebarberich

My husband and I spent the better part of a decade trying to have a child. So, remember, all of us out here who’ve been through it or are going through it, we’re rooting for you.

Read Her Story

Camille Guaty

New mama and actress, Camille (from Prison Break, and Good Doctor), tells her years-long struggle with infertility and the many roads to becoming a mom. Here, from IVF to THE donor egg, plus pregnancy, breastfeeding, and the power of support, Camille shares the tale of conceiving her son and founding Foster A Dream. @camilleguaty @thefosteradream

I never considered that my biological clock was ticking or that infertility would be my story until it happened.

Read Her Story

Lauren Berlingeri

With twins on the way, the multi-hyphenated co-founder of fave infrared sauna therapy, HigherDOSE, is ironically chill considering she’s in the business of heat and about to become the mom of two! From her new Williamsburg location, (promising all things wellness) to her fave coffee shop, Lauren talks about the power of acupuncture, tissue salts, and her belly belt —  basically the only way she can walk these days. Plus, the shock of learning she’s having twins while overcoming the guilt of wanting a baby and a business.

I spent an entire year simply saying out loud that I wanted to have a baby.

Read Her Story

Allison Evans

On a recent trip to NYC, I was fortunate enough to catch a moment with the bright and vibrant co-founder of Branch Basics, a non-toxic all-purpose cleaning line. We spent the afternoon chatting about how her wellness journey literally changed her life, why she swears by liver smoothies (pregnant or not), and the importance of creating a healthy home. @branchbasics

I had thousands of cysts all over my ovaries and was told it was unlikely I’d ever get pregnant naturally.

Read Her Story

Stylist Djuna Bel On Her Pregnancy Wellness

Hard not to be mesmerized by Djuna—super chill, super tall & something of what pregnant dreams are made of. We originally met in NYC but I knew on my next trip to LA, we had to play dress-up—so we did just that. 

Upon arriving at her super sculpture of a hillside home that’s been fully customized by her and her artist husband Nikolai Haas (which includes a built-in steam room and outdoor marble tub) this was sure to be an eventful day! Celebrity model turned stylist, Djuna was raised between Santa Cruz, Holland and Bali before landing in NYC and ultimately LA. We hung for the day chatting about lymphatic drainage massages—she swears by it!—the clean beauty swaps she made, why she’s going to miss being pregnant (hormones are like drugs!) and how pilates affected her bump. @djunabel 

Photographer: @alainmitchell

Current state of mind?

Not ready! At all. Perhaps I’m a bit manic as well yet at the same time surprisingly chill. Perhaps I should be nesting…

What’s nesting mean to you?

I don’t know and think that’s part of the problem. I don’t really know what it means to nest. Stay home and be bored? I’m going to be home for months. Needless to say, I’m not doing a good job of it.

How far are you along in your pregnancy?

Days away from giving birth

What is your beauty/wellness routine?

I switched everything over to organic and all natural when I found out I was pregnant—which was kind of late in the game. The hardest part for me was letting go of my Korean products and Biologic PS150, (I love these chemical laden products). Therefore I found January Labs makes a resurfacing face lotion which I’ve been using a lot and I’ve tried to seek out alpha hydroxides & things that can exfoliate naturally.

As for wellness, I’ve been seeing a chiropractor the entire time plus I’ve been getting lymphatic drainage treatments as well. The drainage sessions are less for detoxing and more for circulating fresh oxygen around my body. I‘m not typically a person that swells much but it’s sort of inevitable with pregnancy, so it’s been really nice to get things moving—total god send for me.

Exercise?

I got really into Lagree Pilates and was in the best shape of my life right before I got pregnant—I was like ‘Really, now—my body is rocking?!?’ I continued with pilates until recently but omitted the ab work and then about a month ago my midwife asked me to stop all together because he was still breach and wasn’t turning. She thought my lower abs might be too tight for him to be able to turn and move his head. It seemed unlikely to me, but I stopped anyhow and he actually turned. Since then I’ve continued doing yoga but really miss pilates.

Any cravings?

Not a ton of cravings and rather more of an excuse to eat things that I already love. Like croissants, they’re delicious. And pickles, I’ve always loved them. Pregnant or not, in real life, I’ve always been a big sweet/sour fan and like weird food combinations. For example, I’ll have a pickle and then a cookie and then want more pickles. Early on I was wanting fat in everything and was into bone broth, eggs and MCT oil. Then about a month ago I completely stopped wanting anything high in fat! He must have gotten to a good weight and my body was like, ‘OK stop. You’re all good now!’

Being in tune with your body?

I’m trying to be the best teammate to this little guy as possible, because I feel like if we could just be a good team then it’ll probably make the whole birth a lot easier and our relationship as a whole. I figure, let’s set that up now. We have to work together to make it happen—start the compromise way early, ya know?

Birth plan?

The plan is to have the baby at home. My midwife is on-call these days and my mom came from Holland—we’re all just waiting. We have this beautiful marble bath outside and in theory it sounds perfect to have him out there, but only in theory because I’ll probably just want to hide in my room. I don’t want to be screaming from my mountaintop.

On using a midwife?

The midwife brings an assistant and a second midwife plus my mom was a doula & nurse—she hasn’t done this in 27 years, but she’s bringin’ it back!

Unexpected throughout pregnancy?

The mucus plug situation! Now that I know its going to happen, every time I pee I’m staring down into the toilet hoping not to find it.

Birth classes?

We went to a few but ultimately felt that we didn’t really need them considering what I already knew plus what I’d learned from the midwife. However through this experience, I’m really surprised at how little we’re taught in Sex-Ed about the birth process and the natural things that happen to your body during pregnancy—feels like sex then baby without understanding anything about actually being pregnant until it’s happening.

What will you miss about being pregnant?

I’m actually worried that I’m going to miss the whole thing—there are so many wonderful things. For example, the hormonal stuff—I feel like I’ve been on drugs for 9 months! It’s rad. I didn’t think that I was going to like being pregnant but in fact I really love it.

What have you been eating while pregnant?

The only two things that I’ve avoided are onions and garlic, because I haven’t been able to digest them. I’ve still been eating sushi.—I’m just cautious about where I eat it from. I’m actually more nervous to eat unwashed vegetables because things like salmonella seem scarier to me.

First thing you want post-baby?

Maybe a stiff drink? While I’ve had baby sips if a friend orders a drink, the first tequila or first martini that I can actually have will be exciting.

Tell me how you got your start as stylist?

I was a model first and moved to NY when I was 17. I was making very little money doing a lot of editorials as I wasn’t your typical pretty girl, I was more of a weird girl—which at the time those weren’t the girls getting the money jobs like campaigns. Therefore, other stylists that I worked with onset started hiring me to help with them with odd jobs like picking up clothes from showrooms, etc. & I’d jump to do anything as a $100 was a lot of money for my 17 year old self. I wasn’t sure if styling was my passion, but I was excited that there was a job that you get to play dress up all day. In the meantime, I opened up a vintage shop called Fox and Fawn, which was super fulfilling & fun and then moved to LA and began styling again.

Tips for women on dressing while pregnant?

Not to overthink it too much. Own it. I don’t really understand the concept of maternity clothes, because there’s probably a lot that you still fit into. I’ve mostly been trying to think about things that I can wear afterwards, that’ll also be nursing friendly. HATCH is great for that.

Any advice about career, life or being a woman?

For pregnancy advice, there’s no formal. Everyone has their own journey. Don’t surrender to what the book tells you you’re going to feel.

Actress Lulu Brud On Miscarriage, Mantras & New Motherhood

Like the sun, Lulu beams goodness. Her road to becoming mama, while long, was filled with healing, strength, and love. From a late-stage miscarriage to the birth of her son Wilder, this ray of light has beautifully settled into the rhythm of new motherhood. Here, she shares her thoughts on processing loss and making the most of our collective timeout with Mother Earth. Plus, breastfeeding to bottle, the First 40 Days, laughing on the reg, why community is more important than ever, and the simple rituals that brighten her day. @ladyluofthewolves

“For the first time in years I was finally able to take a deep breath the day Wilder was born.”

In 2018 I was pregnant with a little girl. And, at 7 months into the pregnacy, we lost her; it leveled me. When we got pregnant again I felt as though I was running a marathon while holding my breath from the start. As I waited anxiously for his arrival, I had a mantra “this time is different” playing on a loop in my mind, until the very end to help me get me through the fear.

Pregnancy after loss is a really difficult thing, and often under-discussed. I was so nervous all throughout and held off celebrating everything. I didn’t set up his nursery, because, with our girl, I had done that and had to disassemble it. And, I didn’t buy clothes, because I was so unsure. But, after we made it past the 7-month marker, I started to force myself to celebrate him in the same way that I had her because he deserved to be celebrated!

When he finally arrived, exactly on his due date, I’ll never forget the overwhelming sense of relief and gratitude I felt. Since then, all the wake-ups, exhaustion and sleepless nights pale in comparison to the worry of pregnancy and truly don’t bother me. Especially now, with everything that’s going on in the world, we’re doing our best to simply surrender and savor the moment of being together. What a strange little gift to have this time to be present, and enjoy the simple pleasure of being 100 percent present with him as a family.

With the loss of my daughter, I learned that nothing is guaranteed and we must treat life accordingly. Lately, I have felt the same. I’m once again reminded that we don’t know what next week will bring or even tomorrow, so it’s best to take it one day at a time, not unlike the reality of new motherhood.

“From the start, it was very much a different pregnancy.”

Finding out we were having a little boy, threw us for a loop, We both grew up with sisters and never considered what it would be like to have a little boy, but there was also something healing about that.

I was so nauseous with the first pregnancy and with Wilder, I was not. Instead, I was extremely exhausted with intense brain fog. Even sitting down to write one email felt like an insurmountable task. However, after having been through so much heartache, I allowed myself to be OK with the exhaustion. I slept when I needed to and wrote back to emails late. It was what it was.

“My birth, while not what I planned, brought Wilder into this world safely and that’s all that matters.”

My birth, while not what I planned, brought Wilder into this world safely and that’s all that matters. The truth is, like with everything, we have our plan and the baby has theirs. I had hoped to labor at home for as long as possible and go to the hospital for a natural birth. However, as life goes…the best-laid plans.

Towards the end of the pregnancy with Wilder, I was going in for checkups every few days. On Wednesday, a few days before I was due on Saturday the doctor was very concerned and thought I may be ready to give birth, but I wasn’t dilated enough yet. So, she told me to come back two days later. That Saturday, she felt I was ready to go and wanted to induce labor, so we agreed. About 20 minutes after they induced me the entire nursing staff came running in to ask if I was feeling the intense contractions. Apparently, I was having off the charts seven minutes long contractions and couldn’t feel them. They didn’t understand how I was even talking. What was more concerning, was with every contraction, Wilder’s heart rate would plummet. They quickly removed the induction and tried to regulate the contractions without luck. When they couldn’t stabilize him, the doctor insisted on an immediate C-section. At that point, I didn’t care what we had to do, I just wanted him safe and out of me. Shortly after, on Saturday morning at 11:31 he was born and in my arms.

Funny enough, when I was talking to our doula and planning for these various birth scenarios, I refused to talk about C-sections. I think on some level I knew that it was going to happen. Recovery was a strange and wonky time. The C-section made it more difficult to be mobile and sit up to nurse him, but I figured that out over time. Overall I think I healed fairly quickly. I was up and moving around about a month after his birth and I’ve heard of it taking up to three months for some women.

“I thought I would breastfeed for at least a year.”

He took to the boob immediately and I was grateful for that as I know it’s not always the case. Plus, my milk came in fine, however he was an eating machine! I thought I would breastfeed for at least a year, although when I started going back to work after five months, I couldn’t sustain what he needed. I found it difficult to pump when I was home in addition to breastfeeding him in the morning and night. I was overwhelmed. At his five-month doctor visit, the pediatrician said he was underweight and wanted me to start formula. He took to the bottle, loved having milk on demand and didn’t want to work for it. Although disappointed, I decided to give myself a break and felt some sense of relief as his weight increased. In the end, I breastfed for six months. While I thought it would be longer that’s what was best for him and that’s all that matters.

Plus, how lucky are we to have such great alternatives these days. I get an organic formula from Target that’s affordable and he seems to love it. Many brands are very expensive and cost-prohibitive for most people, it’s so nice that Target has a quality option.

Motherhood, I’ve learned, is about letting go of how we thought it would be and just let it be. As new moms, we have to stop holding ourselves to such unreasonably high standards because it’s hard enough as it is, without this constant internal criticism. Instead we have to simply listen to our kids plus our bodies and act accordingly.

“I had been pregnant for so long between the two pregnancies…”

Overall I’m eating super healthy and trying to get in some form of movement every day, be it yoga from home, or a walk around the neighborhood. I was pregnant for so long between the two pregnancies, so when I was finally cleared to workout again, I made it a priority.

Even before self-isolation, I was streaming online workouts from dance to yoga. I think it’s important for new moms to know this; sometimes you only have 30 minutes to spare with a newborn and don’t have time to go out for a class or want to spend a lot of money.

“Finding tools online that made fitness accessible was a total game-changer…”

We don’t have full-time help, but I wasn’t expecting the constant coordination and ongoing game of don’t drop the baby. Therefore, finding time between both of our schedules to workout was proving limited. Simply, getting to and from a workout plus the hour class was more time than I had to spare. Finding tools online that made fitness accessible was a total game-changer for me and now even more so, for obvious reasons.

Plus, from day one my husband was such an amazing support down to the little details of making sure I showered or got out of my sweats and dressed everyday to feel better. Ironically now that’s all any one is wearing!

“Play music, move your body, turn your face toward the sun, light candles, FaceTime with friends, and do your best to keep anxiety to a minimum.”

I can’t say this enough, especially for new moms out there going through the throes of postpartum during these uncertain times… please, ask for help! Self care doesn’t have to cost a lot of money, it’s as simple as asking for an extra set of hands, taking 5 minutes for yourself to put on a face mask, or jumping on a 10-minute call with your therapist. And, limit news intake, get informed but don’t obsess. Plus, play music, move your body, turn your face toward the sun, light candles, FaceTime with friends, and do your best to keep anxiety to a minimum.

To our good fortune, my parents happened to be visiting us in LA when the situation escalated, so they stayed on and we all came out to our house in Joshua Tree together. They live across the country and are not leaving any time soon. In that regard, it worked out so well to have this time with them and our young son. When you can stop worrying for a moment here and there about the economics of it all, because that is difficult to do, there is so much beauty in this. Plus, I have felt such deep comfort in knowing I am not alone and rather we’re all together in this.

“For so long I felt that social media isolated people and now that we are in isolation it’s actually bringing people together.”

It’s fascinating, for so long I felt that social media isolated people and now that we’re in isolation it’s bringing people together in a whole new way. We are having virtual parties and connecting on a different level.

I learned through the loss of my daughter, that when Instagram is used for good it can be a powerful tool for connection. I went through a terrible loss and shared that on social media. So many women reached out and supported me through that time. I was overwhelmed as it made me feel incredibly connected and less alone.In turn, I do my best to support women who are perhaps at the beginning of their loss.

“The earth is taking a deep breath right now.”

I am talking to you right now from a socially distant walk that I take with my son every morning in Joshua Tree. Having the time with him, in nature, in the quiet of the morning, is priceless. Plus, I’m seeing nature blooming in a whole new way now that we’re not driving and flying everything; the earth is taking a deep breath right now.

Always going a million miles an hour, we would have never paused our own, but we needed to and nature knew that. I’ve taken some comfort in knowing this. And so we cook as a family, talk, plan meals, play games, read books, and catch up on podcasts. It’s simple and really nice.

Founder Of Chillhouse Cyndi Ramirez-Fulton On Balance And Pregnancy Practices

A master at chilling, this entrepreneur, and founder of relaxation destination, Chillhouse is readying herself for motherhood.  Cool as can be, Cyndi is taking a balanced approach to pregnancy (naturally) guided by her intuition. Here, she shares her plans for incorporating her baby boy into her daily work life, clean-ish beauty routine, carbs, and wellness hacks, of course! @cyndiramirez

Current state of mind?

Feeling good overall, especially now that I’m in my second trimester and the nausea has subsided.

Boy or girl?

Boy!

What was your path to pregnancy?

We have been together for years and knew that we always wanted to start a family, but between building our businesses and life we were never quite ready until now. So, when we finally decided to try, it took a minute but gratefully was reasonably quick in the grand scheme of things. To our surprise, we found out when we were traveling! It was actually my husband that noticed-slash-mentioned to me that my period was late, and, wow, was he right! I was, in fact, very late and very pregnant.

Before getting pregnant, I wasn’t nervous about actually ‘having a baby,’ but rather the ‘idea’ of pregnancy scared me.

What has your pregnancy experience been like so far?

Before becoming pregnant, I was terrified of pregnancy because I have a very, very real fear of throwing up. Like, legit. I wasn’t nervous about actually ‘having a baby,’ but rather the idea of pregnancy scared me. Over the years, I’ve heard so many horror stories of women continually being sick for months. Now that I’m in my second trimester, most of the nausea has passed and I’m feeling much better. I’m finally able to relax and enjoy being pregnant.

How are you eating?

Very carby. All the carbs. But also healthy and balanced. I’ve shifted my mindset from the way I used to think about every little thing I ate and whether or not it would make me gain weight. I’ve let go of the worry, and instead, I’m going with my intuition and gut.

Plus, I used to be a total carnivore, and now I’m eating less meat. In the past, I would have ordered a full steak or roast chicken as my entrée, but instead I’m opting for veggies (with carbs, of course). I’m mostly having meat or chicken when it’s less the main event and rather mixed in with pasta, on top of salads, or part of a soup.

Through pregnancy, I’ve let go of the worry around food and instead, I’m following my intuition and gut.

What are your plans for maternity leave?

In general, we plan to bring our son into our world. For me, that starts with maternity leave. Just after he’s born, I will take a few weeks off from work to focus on him with no distractions, such as email or phone (or as little as possible!). I’m looking forward to simply enjoying our new little fam. After that, I plan to bring him to the office as much as possible. Obviously, there will be times I can’t bring him to work or on investor meetings, but for the most part, I will have him with me. He’s going to roll with my life — it will be business as usual, plus one more!

Speaking of investors, what has that been like to raise money while pregnant?

Interestingly I was nervous about telling our investors and potential investors  because I thought it might make me seem less invested or available, which is not the case, but was a concern of mine. My husband and I talked a lot about when we should go public with the news — especially as I’m the type that likes to share and be very transparent. I wanted just to put it out there from the get-go. That said, once we decided to share the news with our investors, the feedback has been nothing but positive! In fact, to my surprise, it’s been beneficial in creating a framework around timing.

He’s going to come along and be part of my life — will be business as usual, plus one more!

What have been your go-to wellness hacks for pregnancy?

I’ve done a few prenatal massages, I need to do more. Considering I’m in the business of massages, you’d think I’d be getting them all the time. However,  between adjusting to the pregnancy, waiting to hit second trimester (can only do massages after your first) and running my business, I haven’t had all that much time.

Outside of that, I’ve been getting regular pedicures and manicures. On that note, I will share a little PSA for all the expecting mamas out there…when going for pedicures, make sure to let your pedicurist know that you’re pregnant if you’re not visibly showing. You want to make sure they don’t massage your ankles or any of the pressure points that could activate labor. That would not be good. Unless, of course, you’re at the end and hoping to trigger.

Other then that my wellness routine has stayed the same with a few minor adjustments, but not a total overhaul. I’m still taking baths, just not as hot or for as long. Plus I’m not putting CBD in the tub, and instead, I’m using Epsom salt.

Mainly I listen to what feels right for my body versus what other people tell me to do as everyone’s experience is different. What works for some doesn’t work for all.

Oh, and I’m a big fan of candles, they’re always burning.

“Mainly I listen to what feels right for my body versus what other people tell me to do as everyone’s experience is different.”

How do you start your day?

Cuddling my dog, Rocky, who is sadly getting older. I’m trying to spend as much time loving him as possible. He’s been having seizures recently, which breaks my heart. In fact, I’m a little concerned about bringing the baby home as I’m worried about introducing too much change in his fragile state.

What about beauty… have you cleaned up your beauty routine?

I’ve made some modifications, similar to my wellness. I’m not using retinol, but have not eliminated much else. As long as I make choices that feel right for the baby and me, I believe the body is capable of processing most toxins. It’s best not to get worked up about it every ingredient or things we ingest.

Plans to breastfeed?

Ideally, I would love to breastfeed. Since I own my business, I have more flexibility in my schedule, and plan to bring him to work with me. Hopefully this will make breastfeeding easier as he’ll be with me most of the time.

“I’ve made some modifications to my beauty routine, but similar to my wellness, not a total overhaul.”

Pregnancy style?

Major accessories! I love pieces that highlight my face such as big earrings, chunky jewelry, and colorful sunglasses! I’ve been really into pieces that draw attention to my face versus my changing body.

“I’ve been really into fun accessories that draw attention to my face versus my changing body.”

Best resource?

I’m fortunate to have incredible women around me that I trust to lean on for support. Plus, amazing friends like Sarah Larson Levy, founder of Y7, who is pregnant at the same time and going through it together!

Also, I read the book Expecting Better early on and continue to refer to it on the regular. I flip through the chapters when I have specific questions.

Any advice?

Through this experience, I’ve learned to be easier on myself and my body overall. I’m grateful for the daily reminders this pregnancy provides while growing my little babe.

“Pregnancy has taught me to be easier on myself and my body overall.”

Honoring Mother’s Day Without A Mother Of My Own Jamie Kolnick shares her perspective.

By Jamie Kolnick | Photo by Priscilla DuPreez

I remember being six years old, curled up on my mom’s lap post bath time. We sat on the plush purple carpet of my bedroom floor as she leaned her back against my white dresser. I was wrapped up in her arms like a little burrito in a towel. She rocked me back and forth and whispered, “Will you stay like this forever?” punctuated by a kiss on my forehead. I remember wondering if I actually could stay this size forever. Right there  in her arms, nothing could ever harm me. This was before the teen years when I became too cool to be vulnerable to her loving touch. Before I would rather lie in bed alone with 90210 playing in the background, journaling about how I wished I had a boyfriend. Before she was diagnosed with breast cancer and began her fifteen year battle against this disease. Before I became a motherless daughter and then a motherless mother.

I hear the calls of my four year old Zach from down the hall. It’s 5 a.m. “Mama, Mama, MAMA!” I trip on my sheets as I scramble out of bed, regretting the Instagram scrolling  I had done until 12 a.m. the night before. Motherhood does not care if you’re tired. I run towards his door before his screams wake up my two year old, Evan. His vocal cords only know one decibel, no matter how many times I remind him of an “indoor voice.” He drags me to the TV and posts himself on the couch. “TV and Baba,” he demands, to which I reply “Can I have TV and Baba, please?” It is way too early to be correcting demands and grammar, but dammit this kid has to learn. I do as I am told by my little dictator and cuddle up next to him as the dark night sky continues to sleep through the windows behind us. The parenting scramble melts away with my first born in my arms as I whisper to him, “Will you stay like this forever?” My gut churns as I remember how safe I felt in my mom’s arms. How much I took it for granted. My children have no clue what their mommy is missing and while that void is more full with them in my arms, it is still there. Creeping on me through sense memory. 

I allowed myself to “go there” later that day in therapy, uncovering the sadness that had been buried beneath my productivity and distractions of motherhood. For the first time ever I sat with my therapist and ugly cried as she put a blanket around my shoulders and coached me through the waves of emotion. She held my shoulders with a blanket wrapped around me and told me when to release the trapped noise and blow out my breath like I was blowing out a candle. Once the emotion was flowing, there was a fear of where it would take me. How dark it could get. “I am right here with you. Let the sound out. It’s ok. I am right here,” she said in my ear. 

“It has been ten years,’ I mumbled to her with a side eye as her hands warmed my shoulders. “That is not a long time, Jamie,” she replied softly. “You take care of so many people. Who is taking care of you?” And then I really had at it. Who is taking care of me? Every day I take care of a business and all of the people within it, my two kids, my marriage, our home, our calendar, and on and on. I get support from so many people I love, but even collectively they are not my mother. No one can replace a mother. I have tried to fill this massive void in my life with work, substitute moms, and a very full social life. In this moment with my therapist, it really sunk in that my mom is permanently gone and it is OK that I effing miss her. I miss how she took care of me.

 “What do you think your mom would tell you right now?” I reveled in the thought of connecting with her, of course. I know her voice. She told me a month before she died that if I had a question for her just ask it and the answer would be within me. I paused and took a breath “She would say it is ok to be sad, if I were you- I’d be sad too!” I laughed and was released by her words coming through me. “This sucks,” I said to my therapist, who was still holding my shoulders. “Yes. It sucks.” she replied. 

There is no rainbow disguise here — it is going to suck in these moments of mush mixed with clarity, sitting with the loss. It is going to suck to not have my mom. It is going to suck to be a mom of two trying to be the best I can for them while still feeling broken in my grief. In these broken moments, I am reminded that my mother had so much of her own trauma that she brought with her every day she mothered me. She lost her mother and father by the time I was three. Then the worst possible loss of all, the loss of her own child. My brother Alan died in a car accident when I was thirteen. Just five short years after this tragic loss, my dad died from Leukemia. I am very intimate with loss. An inadvertent grief expert. My mom was my example — when shit hit the fan she turned negatives into positives. She was strong for her children. She went to lunch with friends before going shopping and getting her nails done. She smiled and laughed even though her heart ached. The more she did that, the more she came off as “normal.” Everyone called her inspirational for having lived through so much and continuing to stand upright and be productive. I loved seeing my normal mom. I didn’t want to see her pain because then I might see mine. I have recently allowed myself to be more vulnerable, to name my pain, and embrace that it is ok to not be ok.  I hope my children are empowered by that. That I am not perfect. We all have flaws and challenges and this is mine.  

Grief is a journey.

I left my therapist’s office with swollen eyes and got my eyebrows waxed. Pampering myself has always been a go to when life doesn’t make much sense. That and seeing an afternoon movie, leaving the theater like a jailbird smelling of buttery popcorn and slurpees like “damn I got away with it.” 

It is Mother’s Day and I’m a mix of sad and happy. That doesn’t keep Zach from saving me from his tantrum. Four is the new terrible twos. I’m trying to dress him in the living room as he flails his body screaming “Mama! Stop!” I pick him up and take him to his room to calm him down. We sit in his comfy reading chair as I hold his pant less body on top of mine and start shushing him. He melts into me and I remember holding his bare body the day he was born. Shushing him. Loving him. I tell him what I’m thinking “You used to live in my belly.” He laughs at the thought of being a baby. “You would wiggle around and I would rub my belly and say “I can’t wait to meet you” and on the day you were born I held you just like this and I said “It’s so nice to finally meet you.” He melted further cocooned into my neck. “I love you sweet boy. I love you so much. Mommy will always love you.”

I close my eyes and lean my head back on the soft pillow behind me. I hold him tighter and ask him again to stay this size forever. He laughs, “No mama, I’m not a baby!” As our laughter fades into the air, I remember that day being held by mom wrapped up in a towel and I know Zach feels as safe in my arms as I did in hers.

Jamie Kolnick is a writer, mama, musician, philanthropist and the founder/CEO of the nationwide children’s music company, “Jam with Jamie.” She is currently writing a comedic coming of age memoir about loss. Follow her on Instagram @jamiekolnick

How Artist & Author Kate Schelter Emotionally Made It Through IVF

Bump into Kate Schelter, and it’s easy to assume she’s been living that dream NYC life in every way. For the most part, that’s true. With a glittering career as an artist, author, creative director, and stylist, not to mention she’s a tall drink of water, happily married with a six-year-old daughter, and has one on the way. However, that’s where the story shifts, conceiving her second, was an incredible effort amplified by enormous loss, heartache, grief, and self-doubt, things perhaps unnoticed at first. Here, Kate, at 28-weeks pregnant, shares her long road through IVF, the solidarity and support she felt from her community, how she emotionally made it to the other side, and why her life and perspective, will forever be altered. @kateschelter

LIFE, UNEXPECTED…

It was a life-changing experience.

Many people feel the birth of a child is the most life-changing moment, but for me, one of the hardest, soul-wrenching things I’ve ever gone through is the process of IVF and trying to get pregnant.

From the onset, this pregnancy was different from the first; it set in motion what was to become the most transformational experience of my life. For five years we tried to get pregnant and spent a year and a half of that actively pursuing IVF.  When we finally got pregnant after so much heartache and disappointment, I was elated and in utter disbelief. I screamed at the top of my lungs when my Dr called with my results. Every day since has been a gift. 

HOW IT ALL BEGAN…

I’m very much an open book about my experience, which for a person who’s always been private, is significant. It was traumatic, but if I can help at least one other woman feel better at a time when she likely feels lost, then sharing my story is worth every word. 

We didn’t do IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) with our first daughter and assumed getting pregnant with our second would be the same. In the first year of becoming parents, we were open to having another and seeing what would happen sans birth control! When our daughter turned two, our casual attitude towards a second turned into me “casually” tracking my cycles. And nothing. Then, I started to become meticulous about monitoring my fertility and talking to doctors — still nothing. This is when the real soul-searching journey began. I hid my experience from friends and family. I was ashamed. I was in denial. 

On the brink of being discouraged, but with a glimmer of hope, we engaged a doctor on two rounds of IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). When that didn’t work, emotionally derailed, I began battling what would become years of confusion and loneliness. Someone once said to me that IVF is like botox, everyone’s doing it and no one is talking about it. And to this point, I felt utterly alone in my infertility.

Saddled with multiple attempts and feelings of inadequacy, coupled with deep grief and sadness, I took some time off (out of self-preservation) to look for another doctor that could help guide and support us.

THEN WE DECIDED TO DO IVF…

After taking a year and half, and breaking down in sobs on the phone with my mom, my hope was restored and we decided to go the IVF route. Naturally, I gathered recommendations, rave reviews, and stories of success from friends and landed on the fanciest doctor in NYC. With him, we did two rounds of IVF. When those didn’t work, I was devastated. I was furious. I was wounded. I was lost. At that point, I was living on high alert, putting my full faith in the doctor, and obsessing about the ramifications of every little thing I was doing in my life. 

DEALING WITH FEELINGS OF FAILURE…

It was overwhelming. Along with the disappointment of continuously not getting pregnant, I had to learn to cope with deep feelings of failure that started seeping into my marriage, relationships, and work.

I’d always been a goal-oriented person, wherein if you put the work in, you get results. But this didn’t work like that. l felt as though all the lights were turned off, and I was fumbling around in the dark.

At which point, I had a spiritual epiphany and decided the only way to gain control was to change my entire life. I slowed down, became much pickier about the work I took on, and I said “No” to a ton of jobs. I realized I had to put this first. It wasn’t as if I could say I was going to put it first and then still do a million other things. I had to find peace, be quiet, and prioritize myself over clients and work. My true north had always been my profession, and now I made the baby and my family my true north.  

THE SISTERHOOD CIRCLE OF SUPPORT…

As I slowly took back control of my life, I built a support system. I found my incredible acupuncturist, Angela Le.  She is the IVF baby whisperer. The focus of her practice is women’s health and fertility and she is my angel.

I started seeing Angela in March of 2018, we did one cycle of IVF in April, and one in June, and they both didn’t work. Gutted, I was desperate to keep the faith and continued to see Angela at least once, if not twice a week. Every time I walked into her office, I felt at peace. As part of my work with Angela, a portion of each session focused on talking, breath work, meditation, and exploring spiritual topics. Plus, I had a regular therapist too. Over the summer, I read a slew of books she suggested — unrelated to babies — about unconditional self-love and self-care. I learned to live my life through intention vs. goal and felt like a warrior on a crusade.

Plus, I formed this beautiful community of women that I leaned on for support. There was something specific about women that made me feel loved and nurtured. My husband was incredible, but it’s different because he’s going through it too. I called them my Sisterhood Circle of Support.

WHERE SCIENCE BECOMES AN ART…

After two rounds of unsuccessful IVF with the fancy doctor, I decided we needed a radical switch—try a different approach for different results. In an unprecedented gut decision—reclaiming ownership of my personal health—we left the expensive-no-insurance practice, and found the team of Dr. Janelle Luk and Edward J. Nejat of Generation Next Fertility.  Dr. Luk is a rockstar. Fearless, flexible and focused. She approaches fertility from a more individual and less invasive perspective. I wanted to do everything completely different than I had with my previous Drs. I ended up doing a practice called Gentle IVF, which mimics the body’s natural rhythm and cycle. This also meant far less drugs—about a 10th of what the other doctors’ prescribed.

With Dr. Luk we did four rounds (months) of stimulated egg retrieval to bank my eggs. Which meant I took a lower dosage of drugs while we monitored and watched my eggs grow. I accumulated eggs for four months. With this process, I went from getting no viable eggs with the first doctor to, in one cycle, ten eggs(!!) with Dr. Luk. 

Finally, in January, we had five stellar eggs to choose from, selected the best two, put them in, and it worked! One egg is our baby!

In total, we ended up doing two rounds of IUI plus two rounds of IVF, followed by four rounds of IVF egg retrievals and one transfer over three years.

THE PREGNANCY…

I brought my new perspective with me into this pregnancy. For example, rather than fight the fatigue of the first trimester, I would sleep. I listen to my body and surrender. I permit myself to take care of myself. I say “no” and I allow myself to cancel plans when I need to. Which sounds simple, but there’s a ton of guilt tied up in that. I’ve always had this feeling that I need to be in constant motion. While there’s much joy in that, there’s a time and a place for it, and this is not it.

I still eat super clean, aside from ice cream! What you put into your body matters, both physically with food and mentally with stress and work— it’s essential to be thoughtful about everything that goes in and whom you let into your house. 

I do gentle prenatal yoga sporadically, but even that I don’t stress about it. If I can do it great, if not that’s OK too. 

I try to take as much space and rest for myself that I need, and that ranges. I’ve become the opposite of the jet-set, I’m the slow-set, which for me is such a luxury. 

My focus and intention right now is to birth a beautiful, healthy baby with ease. That’s all that matters. I wake up every morning feeling that way. After years of negative and scary thoughts, I’m approaching this time with absolute gratitude. It’s been the most beautiful and bizarre journey. 

TIPS TO CARING FOR MYSELF…

I saw Angela, my acupuncturist, on a weekly or bi-weekly basis.
I cleared my schedule of anything that was not necessary and made pregnancy my priority.
I stopped overloading myself the way I’ve spent my entire life doing.
I formed my Sisterhood Circle of Support — some of the women had gone through IVF, and some had not, but they were my cheerleaders.
I started meditating every day for 5-10 min.
Mainly, I SLOWED down because I knew that everything I did with my time, I paid for—every action takes energy, so I became very selective about how I spent my time.
I created very healthy boundaries and learned to live with intention through daily rituals.

Because Gate-Checking A Stroller is Actual Hell Never Again.

By Chrystie Neidhardt | Photo courtesy of @Maison_Leon

For anyone who travels with kids, the Babyzen YOYO stroller is a godsend. We love to travel but hate checking our stroller.

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Yes please. Strawberries that look like animals? Why not? What follows is a collection of all the pretty lunches we wish we could make, that we’d totally want our kids to have, and that make us slightly jealous but actually sort of happy. Because who knows, maybe these pics will inspire us to transform peanut butter and jelly sandwiches into balloon animals and somehow finagle apple slices into hexagons. More than likely it won’t — but, hey, isn’t it fun to fantasize?
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