How’s Your Relationship in Quarantine? Yeah. Ours, too.
By Babe | Illustration by Ana Hard
In our series The Debate, our community of real moms tackle the pros and cons around common parenting choices. The truth is, like so many decisions around child rearing, there is no right or wrong answer. At HATCH, our job is to give voice to both sides of any debate, peppering real mom wisdom with the necessary facts so that you can make the best decision for you and your family.
Ahhhhh QUARANTINE. It’s been a DOOZY. And nowhere more than in our relationships have the effects of 24/7 living/working/parenting been felt. Some of us can say for certain that the effects of life during Covid-19 has made our relationships stronger. That this test of true partnership has resulted in an unyielding love and support system that’s only been fortified during the crisis. While some of us want to knock the living daylights out of our significant other. And guess what? It’s all good either way. Some of us, as much as we love our partners, simply aren’t meant to be with them all day everyday. And that’s OK. Here, we spoke with two moms on how their relationships have been made stronger – and weaker – during Covid-19. Just remember, however you’re feeling about your plus one, you aren’t alone.
What Doesn’t Kill Us Makes Us Stronger….
Sadie Klein Attorney Jonah, 4 Ruby, 1
“Well, outside of the obvious that Covid-19 and life in quarantine with two full time working parents has totally sucked. At first, my husband and I really didn’t know what was up or down when it came to raising the kids, getting our schedules down (I still don’t think we ever made a schedule) and taking the time to enjoy each other. There were fights in the beginning. Who’s making lunch while on a conference call? Who is taking them out in the yard to play and making sure our son gets on Zoom while trying to meet a deadline? It was all awful.
But, when I do think back on the last six months or so, one thing that has come of life in quarantine, is a deep fundamental knowledge that my husband and my relationship is totally secure. It has never been put to the test like this before, and we had each other’s back, we supported each other, and we knew that even in the roughest days, we had it together as a unit. That was the only way we were able to survive. The space that he gave me, the way he filled in the blanks while I was working, the patience he showed our kids – I had never seen that side of him before. In non-Covid times, our kids are out of the house all day. My son was in pre-k and my daughter was in daycare, so neither of us had ever had to parent constantly. We had never been put to this test. You get to see a totally different side of your spouse during a pandemic, and now that our area has loosened up restrictions a bit, and our lives have start showing some semblance of normalcy, I love him more than ever.”
Get Me Out of this Relationship
Amaya Adid Jewelry Designer Reza, 20 months
“Let me just say that I love my husband. Love him, love him, love him. No one else can make me laugh like him. We’ve been together for almost 10 years and I love him now as much as I loved him then. But life in quarantine with a two-year-old didn’t exactly make our relationship stronger. Not on any level. We fought constantly, and it totally sucked.
I think our main pain points were just the division of labor and the idea that being around each other constantly only fueled arguments that would otherwise have never happened. For example, our son’s nap schedule. Usually our son naps from 1-3 pm, which our babysitter does or I do on the days I’m with him. But in quarantine, we didn’t have childcare, and it was on me to put him down everyday (which is kind of a whole thing). And for some weird reason, my husband never even knew how it all worked since I guess he never fully ingrained himself in these everyday moments of life with an almost two-year-old (even though we’re together on weekends). He was able to retreat to an office everyday. But in quarantine, he was staring down at a totally new schedule, where part of that was taking an active part in raising a kid. That was something he simply didn’t want to deal with and that became increasingly clear as the days wore on. Did that bum me out? Yes. Do I love him less for it? No.
Some of us are blessed with partners who can manage it all and have the patience to multitask. Some of us have partners who are a bit more tunnel-visioned when it comes to the responsibilities of working full time and managing a child. I don’t fault my husband for our arguments. These have been extreme circumstances that are totally unnatural and should never ever be a reality. So yeah, my relationship was significantly weaker during quarantine, but I just think that’s to be expected. Hopefully, when and if life resumes or goes back to some version of normal, we can go back to how we function best as a couple and family.”
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Hannah Bronfman, DJ + Wellness Guru, On speaking out about IVF.
By Ruthie Friedlander
Brilliant and soulful, Hannah’s a breath of fresh air. This multifaceted entrepreneur, who currently also lists author and founder on her resume, has a little one on the way. Resolved to empower other women through her story, Hannah’s vocalism on IVF has proven to be a beacon of hope for her community.
Rounding out her third trimester, Hannah shares her three-year-journey to becoming a mama, growing up in a blended family, raising kids rooted in their own identity, and learning to slow down.
Plus, the skinny on her pregnancy wellness routine (take notes, ladies!) and morning ritual of coffee with Rainbo mushrooms, naturally.
Pregnancy feels?
During my first trimester, I had a solid three weeks of nausea, was beyond exhausted, and took ALL the naps, ALL…OF… THEM. But once I hit my second trimester, its been pretty mellow.
Path to motherhood?
We had difficulty conceiving—all in it took us three years, including a miscarriage and several failed IUIs before doing IVF and getting pregnant. While it felt like a lifetime for us, we were fortunate in the grand scheme of things, especially when it comes to the world of IVF. I often hear from women going through their seventh cycle or sixth transfer with no end in sight. The toll that takes on a woman hormonally, emotionally, and physically is beyond intense. I know for me, my entire outlook on my body, relationship, life, and gratitude shifted after struggling with something that comes naturally to so many women. I can only hope that sharing what I went through can help others feel less alone in their journey.
Hannah in the Martina Bodysuit
Hannah wearing The Circe Skirt
What did it feel like to start the IVF process?
I remember my first round of at-home shots for IVF so clearly. Brendan has a tremor in his hand called a familial tremor, so there was no chance I would let him near me with needles. I had to muster up the courage to do it on my own and was so nervous. But I did it! After the first one, the fear subsided, and it was game on. My competitive spirit kicked in and I felt empowered do it on my own. Brendan was my cheerleader every step of the way.
How did you feel after the shots and transfer?
Following the transfer, I had to give myself progesterone shots for the first 12 weeks to maintain the pregnancy. Mentally, I loved these shots because they gave me a sense of security that I otherwise lacked. After experiencing such a loss and knowing that my body struggles to do what it’s commonly supposed to do, giving myself a medicated dose to support the baby’s development and pregnancy was reassuring and kept me at ease. Having to go off of those shots was my first source of anxiety, not the pandemic. It took a lot for me to trust my body.
Did you feel supported in the process?
I thank my lucky stars every day to have such a supportive, loving, and calm husband. Having him by my side, through this process, was priceless. I don’t know what I would have done had our partnership not been solid and compassionate; he is my source of strength and inspiration.
The Circe Skirt
How did you learn to trust your body?
Leading up to my transfer, I worked with Liza Roeckl, an all-around fantastic human. She uses ancient abdominal massage techniques and Reiki to harmonize the organs and body. Her methods release lingering emotions that no longer serve in preparation for pregnancy and childbirth. In my case, this meant clearing residual fears related to my miscarriage. Even though it happened a year prior, and I had done a lot of independent internal work, she resolved any remaining emotions. Fortunately, I was able to work with her in-person a handful of times before my transfer. After we went into lockdown, I continued to work with her remotely every week. It’s fascinating how much we have been able to do from a distance.
How do you do energy work remotely?
Every session begins with a conversation about how I’m feeling emotionally. Then, we hang up, and I lay down to meditate while she does her magic virtually. After the session, she calls me to discuss what came up for her during my meditation. It’s mind-blowing! I can hardly believe what she pick-ups or how she could possibly know certain things… she’s just one of those magical people.
I grew up a believer in holistic modalities and very much the type of person to seek this stuff out. Not being able to do specific treatments like acupuncture throughout my pregnancy has been disappointing—it’s usually a big part of my life. When I had my transfer in February, I went for acupuncture the night before and two hours after the transfer. Nonetheless, I’m making the most of it and digitally leaning into alternatives as much as possible.
What was it like finding out you were pregnant at the start of Covid-19, after so much uncertainty?
It was chaotic, joyful, and confusing with so many unknowns and so much change. Our transfer was on February 26th, and I found out I was pregnant on March 5th. The following week on March 11th, I took my mom to a Broadway show to tell her I was pregnant—so grateful to have been able to do this in-person. The next day, Brendan told me we were leaving the city and going out to our house in Long Island indefinitely, where we stayed until July 4th.
As strange as the timing was, I’m thankful we could do our transfer because so many IVF cycles got postponed as soon as the pandemic hit. I can only imagine how hard it was for couples who had to stop without knowing when they would continue.
Before the pandemic, my lifestyle was intense. Being on a plane four times a week is less than ideal for pregnancy. Due to quarantine, Brendan and I have been together for over 200 days straight, which would not have been otherwise. In an unexpected, kismet way, I’m grateful to have had this time with Brendan every night, at home, in our bed. After three years of trying to have a baby, nesting as a couple has been an enormous gift and a massive silver lining.
Why speak up?
If there’s one thing I’ve learned by opening up about IVF is how impactful sharing my story has been to my community. The more we all share, the more familiar the conversation becomes. We must continue to expose the raw and real moments to normalize the conversation.
Of course, IVF is one of many topics that I’m interested in shedding light on as I continue to learn. Over the last few months, I have been shocked by the statistics regarding BIPOC communities being the largest to use formula and are targeted explicitly by formula companies. I also learned that many women lack the right amount of Omega-3s. I recently spoke to the founder of NEEDED, a pre and postnatal nutrition company on a mission to provide moms with the right amount of Omega-3. They explained that a lack of Omega-3 could cause preterm labor or lesser quality breastmilk. While there are many factors at play here, I’m motivated to bring awareness where and when I can.
Other than the lack of human interaction, it’s been pretty great. I’m very much an in-person-person and love being part of a community. At the start of my pregnancy, I was excited to meet a group of mamas through birthing classes and workouts. Unfortunately (as we all know), that went out the window, so I, like everyone, had to adapt. I found a phenomenal virtual birthing class with Patti Quintero, doula, and Uma Mother founder. Her 6-week course turned out to be an incredible experience and a strong support. The range was a fascinating mix of 16 moms, both new and second-time at different stages of their pregnancy, Considering we’re all missing in-person interactions, this created a sense of community for me.
Cravings, much?
To my surprise, I’ve had no weird cravings! I have to say I was a little bummed after hearing all the stories. For as long as I can remember, my mom had talked about these specific olives she had to have from the Four Seasons restaurant when she was pregnant, but nope, not me. Now, don’t get me wrong, I certainly wanted more carb centric foods during the first trimester, including a fair amount of pasta and pizza, but nothing crazy. After hitting 13 weeks, my diet shifted back to my pre-pregnancy habits of mainly fresh fruits, veggies, avocados, and lean proteins.
Now that I’m in my 3rd trimester, my appetite has dwindled, and I’m not snacking (which is strange as I’m usually a big snacker). Instead, I find myself having delicious meals that keep me full until the next meal, plus I’m drinking so much water! Very randomly, I’ve suddenly become a coffee drinker when I never was before (perhaps that is my craving!). I have one every morning with Rainbo 11:11 super-mushroom extract mixed in.
Recently, I joked to my husband that, ‘I kill it at the main event. I’m trained to show up, perform, and do a great job!’ So, while everyone seems focused on the labor (the main event), I feel I’ve got that in the bag and am more interested in postpartum and healing. While I certainly have my preferences for how I’d like it all to go down, I know there are no guarantees, and I’m prepared to go with the flow.
When I say that I’m not concerned about labor, I recognize I’m saying this from a place of privilege, especially as a Black woman. The overwhelming death rate of women of color during childbirth is very real and disheartening. While I can’t let these stories seep into my psyche, I am using my platform to highlight the horrifying situation Black mothers face.
Nutrition-wise I plan to focus on warm, nutrient-rich foods that are whole and nourishing—lots of bone broth. As for maternity leave, I have no idea.
As an entrepreneur and content creator in the lifestyle space, many incoming opportunities revolve around storytelling this particular time. Seeing as I’m in the business of oversharing, I’m sure there will be moments I want to throw myself into work and create meaningful content for my audience. Equally, there will be times I want to be present with my little family free of deadlines and partnerships. I don’t entirely know how it all looks, but I’m sure it will reveal itself quite naturally to me.
Importance of community?
Having a superstar support system is essential. Mine looks like a mix between dear friends and family, wellness practitioners, and my social community.
With my first pregnancy, we held off telling anyone that we were pregnant for weeks (because that’s what you’re “told” to do), including our closest friends and family. When we lost the baby, it was tough as most people we wanted to share our loss with didn’t even know we were pregnant! We ended up having to tell them we were pregnant and lost the baby in the same breath. It was a lot. This time around, we shared the pregnancy with our nearest and dearest almost immediately. Having that sense of support from the onset made a world of difference.
Plus, I have a phenomenal community of trusted wellness professionals and mentors that I tap into regularly. This includes my fertility acupuncturist, Aimee Raupp who’s a wealth of knowledge and has powerful meditations, plus my colon therapist, Tracy Piper, and Liza, whom I previously mentioned.
As for my social community, when I finally shared my pregnancy news, I was blown away by the love we received. I didn’t show for the first six months, and while everyone told me it would take a while, I was anxious… after all, I had been waiting for this bump for three years! The week before I announced on social, it finally appeared! Since then, it has been such a love fest; everyone has been incredibly supportive and showered me with positivity.
I come from a blended family with a total of seven kids. I’m the baby of the first litter and then became the middle child with the second litter. I have two older siblings from my mom and dad, and four younger from my dad and stepmom. I always loved being from a big family. Brendan, on the other hand, has one sister and loves his little tribe of four. Ideally I’d like a bunch of siblings in the mix, but we’re going to take it one at a time.
Raising mixed and conscious children?
From a young age, my mom taught me that my combination is what makes me special and unique. Plus, I’m Jewish, and she always explained that while I may look different from most of the other kids at Hebrew school, I come from a strong line of Jewish people. Because of her, I’ve always embraced every aspect of who I am. Our society puts so much pressure on skin color. The truth is, I have no idea what our baby is going to look like in terms of how much or how little melatonin she or he will have—this is the least of my concerns. Instead, I’m focused on raising kids fully-rooted in their identity and heritage, which was essential for me growing up. After all, it’s not about what you look like, but rather where you come from.
My husband is Canadian and raised in a loving family. They’re very spiritual people that treat others with kindness—positivity is their religion. We plan to raise our kids spirituality with a mix of Jewish traditions. As for anti-racism and hyper-awareness, these teachings come naturally to me because I’m Black and I feel prepared on that front.
As for my husband, he’s learned and unlearned so much over the last decade since we’ve been together and even more this past six months of social reckoning. He’s excited to be on this path and finds a lot of empowerment in the way that he is learning and unlearning.
I hope our kids can grow up in a more compassionate and sustainable world with less hate and violence. I want our kids to socialize, go to school, travel, be part of and give back to the community—while basic these things seem kind of out of reach right now.
Pregnancy were a song?
Definitely ‘Treat You Better’, by Rufus du Sol.
Advice?
Be super gentle with yourself right now, with an extra layer of love. As hard as this moment is, we have to adapt, be compassionate, meditate, support one another and lean on our community like never before.
Trying to get preg? There’s an app for that! Yep, these days why chart ovulation cycles and cervical mucus on your own when you can record your TTC status on your phone, sandwiched between your favorite Spotify playlist and Instagram? Peep our favorite app trackers below to kickstart your way to pregnancy without ever having to leave your phone.
The Deal: This sleek app targets a woman’s cycle using personalized data to help them conceive. Women can log 40 different health signals from sex, mood swings, PMS and more, as well as track their ovulation, log symptons into a PMS calendar, and take part in the Glow community where members sound of on pregnancy, periods and more.
The Spend: Free
Bottom Line: Its claims aren’t different from other fertility apps, but it also engages men to take charge of their fertility with new support just for them. Like the gals, men log data about their health, which can be linked to his partner’s to produce a full picture of fertility as a couple.
The Deal: This baby making app helps you connect external fertility signs (such as Basal Body Temperature (BBT) and Cervical Fluid) to your hormonal profile to determine your fertile window. These observations are collected on a Fertility Chart that becomes a dashboard of your current fertility “status.”
The Spend: The basic app is free, but a $45-a-year premium membership offers VIP access to message boards and advanced features like an intercourse timing analyzer and detailed analysis of fertility signs.
Bottom Line: Fertiliy Friend helps users both understand their cycle and predict future cycle by comparing their patterns.
The Deal: The app creates a proprietary Fertility Score by assessing factors like biometric data, cycle metrics, basal body temperatures, and lifestyle habits to predict the likelihood of natural conception. Based on nearly 20 years of clinical practice, the program addresses 3 key areas that affect one’s natural ability to get and stay pregnant – menstrual cycle, lifestyle and mindfulness.
The Spend: $199 a month
Bottom Line: Users get a full 360 degree fertility wellness profile, complete with three herbal formulas per month, As users share data with the Conceivable app, they’ll receive personalized recommendations, lifestyle guidance, accountability reminders, and a Conceivable Virtual Health Advisor that becomes a daily partner on the journey toward a healthy pregnancy.
The Deal: Plug your ovulation / period deets into a special algorithm that calculates and predicts your cycle. Clue swears it can deliver a more tailored approach to conception and that the more often you use it, the smarter it gets.
The Spend: Free
Bottom Line: Clue is optimized for Apple Watch and even uses our moods to incorporate data, as well as other hormonal signals often overlooked by traditional ovulation trackers. Clue collects data about a woman’s mood in addition to other fertility signs, and is even optimized for Apple Watch.
The Deal: Ovia uses multiple fertility and non-traditional health indicators, like eating and sleeping habits, to predict ovulation. It swears it will get you pregnant up to three times faster than the national average, according to its ceo, who developed the app’s algorithms to help him and his wife conceive. Ovia’s app is just one part of the brand’s more comprehensive maternity and family benefits solution that seeks to transform the way women and families are supported throughout the parenthood journey.
The Spend: Free, unless you want to upgrade for 99 cents to receive articles, themes, and the ability to export data to Excel.
Bottom Line: For the price and access to unprecedented data that the algorithm uses, Ovia is certainly worth the effort.
Now you Can Workout AND Soothe Babe We love this tip.
“During our newborn’s ‘witching hour,’ I would put him in our carrier and do some squats. There’s nothing like the up-and-down of a good glute workout to ease them into chill mode.
I Can’t Do A Jumping Jack Without Peeing Time to relearn the kegel.
By Babe | Illustration by Ana Hard
So you’re four months postpartum and you FINALLY took that Tracy Anderson class you’ve been putting off, and, much to your horror, you discovered you could barely get through the opening sequence without emitting little droplets of pee all over your leggings.
“Moms go through so many changes in their body and lifestyle that we shouldn’t have to pee in our pants when we do things,” says Jamie Jones, a pre and postnatal corrective exercise specialist and certified doula. “This is that thing that all of my friends suffer from and we all joke about it, but it doesn’t have to be the norm. It’s just not fair.”
Jamie is passionate about helping women understand their pelvic floor before and throughout pregnancy, so that they can recognize the muscle in advance and prepare for inevitable muscle weakness. “I always joke that women have no clue what their pelvic floor is until they have a baby and then sneeze, and then it’s ‘Ohhhh, that’s what those muscles are,’” says Jamie. “It doesn’t matter if you had a vaginal birth or a c-section. Those muscles hold it all up.”
“I always joke that women have no clue what their pelvic floor is until they have a baby and then sneeze.”
Jamie says 60 percent of postpartum women either have a super tight pelvic floor following childbirth that’s known as hypertonic (cue painful sex and that feeling of never quite emptying your bladder) while 40 percent have an overly loose pelvic floor known as hypotonic (hello drops of pee everywhere). Fortunately, whether you fall into one group or the other, doing the correct kind of kegel can help with strengthening and recovery.
To do a correct kegel, Jamie leads them through a proper “range of motion” exercise, not the “clench super tight and release” move that women have been taught over the years. “That can overly weaken muscles or put them in a place of spasm,” says Jamie. Instead, she starts by helping clients find their pelvic floor muscles by having them sit straight up on a chair or a yoga block in a nice lifted posture with a relaxed neck and shoulders. She then has them rock side to side to find their sits bones or basically your butt bone, and rock forward to back to acknowledge the space between the pubic and tailbone.
“The full range of motion for a kegel exercise is to think of think of your sits bones as elevator doors. Inhale into the diaphragm as the muscles lengthen and then melt or soften them as you exhale, drawing the sits bones together,” says Jamie. The key is to squeeze the glutes to feel like you’re stopping the flow of urine, but with the pressure oflifting up a blueberry. It’s not a super tight squeeze.”
Jamie finds that most women are doing their kegels too severely, which can cause over weakness. “Lift a blueberry in your vagina and rectum and don’t squeeze, but rather inhale to release the blueberry down and exhale to back up,” she says. “Do it for two minutes. You don’t want to over-kegel.”
Jamie advises to do these modified kegel moves once or twice a day. If you hit three months postpartum and it hasn’t improved, or if you’ve been doing it for three months, Jamie suggests calling in a physical therapist for more prolonged work for an internal assessment.
Social Media Guru Holly Liss On Maternity Leave, cravings, and wellness.
By Ruthie Friedlander
Bright and thoughtful, Holly, the founder of ENLISST (a mission-based social media agency working with some of LA’s coolest brands), and goop alum, has a babe on the way with her husband, the co-founder of Sweetgreen (which means easy access to that Caesar dressing, score!).
We caught up with this magnetic mama on learning to let go of control through Covid-19, raising conscious children, taking maternity leave as a solo entrepreneur, oh, and her daily wellness practices (perineal massages, evening primrose oil, and Medjool dates, anyone?).
And, not for nothing, but anyone who counts Mariah Carey’s ‘Emotions’ as their pregnancy theme song, is a win in my book.Just saying.
Current state of mind?
Mostly mellow.
Path to pregnancy?
It’s a sweet story. We knew we wanted to start a family and felt there was no better time than the present. A few months after our wedding, we conceived naturally on our honeymoon in Japan, one of our favorite places on earth.
I’m super active and always on the move. Leading up to our wedding, I was aggressively working out and have carried on with my trainer Allyson Gottfried 2-3 times a week through pregnancy. We’ve been working together for over four years and she’s seen me through all the transitions. I also do prenatal yoga with my doula Patti Quintero, the founder of Uma Mother; she is incredible. In between that, I swim, take Tracy Anderson’s virtual pregnancy project classes, and walk anywhere from 8-10K steps a day around the neighborhood.
Cravings, much?
Food brings me so much joy. Pregnant, or not, I eat everything and have always indulged my cravings. Now, they’ve just become really specific. I obsess over particular dishes from various restaurants that we’ll either order in or recreate, Spicy Dan Dan Noodles, my favorite pasta from Lilia, or Estela’s mussels escabeche. More broadly, I want citrus on the reg, and anything with bubbles, SmashBurger, always, and Sweetgreen’s Caesar dressing on everything! Oh, and sushi. I know it’s controversial, but from time to time I will have high-quality sushi from a trusted source.
Sounds like you have a thing for food; is that what you do for a living?
I’ve been in the food space for a long time. Initially, at goop, where we tapped into food via recipes, wellness, and travel guides, then at The Infatuation, where we covered restaurant reviews worldwide, and now with my company ENLISST, we work with several food brands. Plus, I’m married to Nicolas, one of the co-founders of Sweetgreen, who grew up in the restaurant industry. So, yes, food is very much a part of our daily conversation and brings us so much happiness. The truth is (and this is not a pregnancy thing, this is a me thing), I’m always hungry, and never not thinking about food. Whenever I’m eating my current meal, I’m already thinking about the next.
I started ENLISST, a few years ago as a solo entrepreneur. We focus on strategic social storytelling and help mission-driven brands bring their story to life in an authentic way that hits business goals. So far, it’s kept me on my toes and very busy over the past many months. The beauty of working in social media is that you can do it from anywhere. ENLISST is naturally positioned to succeed remotely and has accidentally set me up for success through Covid-19 and likely in motherhood.
What does maternity leave look like as a solo entrepreneur?
Right now, the plan is to take a few months off to adjust to my new role as a mother. This feels a bit nerve-wracking as a solo entrepreneur and hard to shut off entirely especially being in the social media realm. Checking every platform has been part of my daily routine for over 11 years so it will be interesting to see how I navigate that. IDK, maybe I don’t check Instagram or Tik-Tok, right when I wake up, and instead, I’ll be breastfeeding. Who knows.
Part of starting ENLISST was a way for me to not only work with brands I believe in but also to allow for flexibility in my life during these significant transitions. Although I won’t entirely know what this looks like until the baby is here I’m grateful to be able to take the space and time to be with my baby post-birth. It’s outrageous that maternity leave is not standardized in this country. How can it be that taking time to heal and care for an infant feels like an elective luxury?
We count our lucky stars that Nicolas was at least able to come to our first doctor’s appointment to hear the heartbeat and be part of the experience just before lockdown. It’s been an odd experience to go to the doctor appointments alone, but not a big deal by any means. And mostly I’m grateful Nicolas can be in the room during labor. The one thing I’m nervous about is having to wear a mask while laboring and pushing at the hospital. I’m not excited about this, but it is what it is, and the new standard. Again, this is just an inconvenience, and all we want is a healthy baby. I’ve come to terms with the fact that things will not go as anticipated, and rather than hold onto a strict plan, I’ve learned to let go of control through Covid-19; it’s the only way forward. We’ve all had to pivot, transition, make changes, and sacrifice.
I have been deep in the conversation for many years. My high school, Cleveland High School Humanities Magnet was dedicated to studying race, gender, and the patriarchy—my entire 11th-grade curriculum focused on these critical topics. Plus, I have a minor in Woman’s Studies from UCLA. But, there is always more to learn, especially as we bring a new human into the world and think about what it means to raise anti-racist children. Fostering antiracism, diversity, and equality in the next generation across race, gender, and class is critical to our future.
As much as we can, but we’re headed into the wild unknown. I have been reading and doing research, but there is only so much to prepare, and then you have to surrender. We have some loose ideas, but that’s all they are, just ideas. We’re hoping our doula, Patti Quintero can come to the hospital with us, but if that’s not doable, we’re planning to labor at home with her for as long as possible and Facetime once we get to the hospital.
Pregnancy Wellness?
Oh, you know, I do some things…
To start, we’ve been working closely with Patti, our doula on tips for how Nicolas, my husband, can help me through contractions, with moves like the hip squeeze, the bear walking along my back, and specific breathing techniques. I was a gymnast growing up and taught to keep my core and pelvis tight, which is the opposite of what you need to birth a baby! I have to undo years of training to loosen and relax my pelvis and hips to move the baby out.
I’ve been diving into other holistic treatments such as eating medjool dates (rumor has it, six dates a day leading up to your due date, helps soften the cervix), drinking red raspberry leaf tea, and taking electrolytes to stay hydrated. Also, taking evening primrose oil to soften my cervix (I mean, you do whatcha gotta do to hopefully avoid tearing) and the nightly Epsom salt baths (4 cups in hot water) to reduce water retention. Plus, I love to dry brush regularly. And, then there are all of the oils and body butters; I’m basically a slip and slide when I crawl into bed at night. Lastly, good old fashioned Vitamin D, straight from the source, plus I stretch a lot.
Together, Nicolas and I read, ‘Bringing Up Bebe‘ which was fun. The style and methods of that book resonated with us and allowed us to have an open, healthy dialogue about how we want to raise our kids. Additionally, I read ‘Nurture’ by Erica Chidi Cohen, and I’m just getting into ‘Transformed By Birth’, by Britta Bushnell.
How about Podcasts?
I love listening to the goop podcast; it puts you in a different place. With an innate interest in discovering more information and raising the conversation, they do an incredible job bringing taboo topics into your inbox, raising untouched subjects, and covering a wide range of healers and experts. Also, I could listen to Elise for hours, she’s brilliant.
As a new mom, going down this journey for the first time, I would say, don’t be afraid to ask questions. Reach out to your community of doulas, doctors, and friends and then make informed decisions that are right for you and your baby. All in, this has been a major learning experience for me, but in short, don’t be afraid to ask questions, do your own research, and follow your instincts at the end of the day.
It’s been a year of uncertainty, of change, of creating our new normal. As we move into fall we’re embracing gratitude and finding joy in the small things.
We’re craving all things clean, classic and feminine, which is what our fall collection is all about—going back to the basics that feel true to who you are. Easy-to-wear pieces like luxe knits (think: soft cashmere and lightweight warm wool), tops and dresses with delicate pintuck details and understated ruffles, mood-boosting pops of color and classic fall plaids. If you’re here that means that you’re standing smack dab in the middle of an incredibly special time in your life—lean into it, soak life in and all the warmth that’s ahead of you—there are good things on the horizon.
“Motherhood in quarantine is about finding the funny.” Funny gal Bess Kalb on the hilarity of raising a baby right now.
By Caroline Tell | Photo by Lucas Foglia
It’s one thing to raise a baby during quarantine. It’s quite another to raise a baby while also promoting a book during quarantine. But, as mamas we tend to make it happen, and Bess Kalb is no stranger to getting sh*t done. As the mother to a one-year-old son as well as a regular contributor of some very funny words to the New Yorker – oh, did we mention she has a day job as an Emmy-nominated writer for Jimmy Kimmel Live – Bess brings her comedic wit everywhere from the Academy Awards to her very own home in Los Angeles. Now, Bess is getting a bit personal with her new book Nobody Will Tell You This But Me, a memoir in the voice of her best friend and late grandmother Bobby, filled with neuroses, shpilkes and the bonds that connect women through the generations. Here, Bess talks life during the big Q, how motherhood has shaped her book and her goal of finding the funny in everything.
Bess Kalb Photo courtesy of Bess Kalb
Soooo how’s the whole “mom in quarantine” thing going?
I feel so lucky that my son is as young as he is. Even though there are times when it’s difficult and it does take a village, and I wish I could pass him to 50 friends or relatives, he’s at an age where he has no idea what’s going on. Fortunately, it’s the best time of his life. His mom and dad are around all the time and constantly paying attention to him. There haven’t been any strangers in four months. I’m always here to laugh at his jokes, like when he blows raspberries or drops something. It’s the best time of his life even though I’m somewhat crippled by fear and anxiety and heartbreak over what’s happening throughout the country. But we’re living with someone who’s a pure source of joy. Plus there’s nothing like the noise of banging two things together to take your mind off a global pandemic.
What would say has been the biggest challenge for you over the last few months?
I wish I were one of those people who are incredibly productive in quarantine, and more power to my people who are. But most of my friends who are moms and even friends who are not moms all expressed a similar feeling of total brain fog. At my best, all I’m doing is being a mom and everything else comes 9th or 12th so I can be there for my son’s immediate needs and be present and engaged. But when it comes to figuring out a three act structure for a screenplay, something that takes me three hours now takes me one week.
I was on maternity leave from my job at Jimmy Kimmel Live. So I took three months and two months unpaid, but the book was coming out during maternity leave, so I went back to working on my book when my son was six weeks old. That’s when I had to do a second pass as my book edits. I was literally nursing with a manuscript on the boppy. I had the manuscript on one side of the boppy and a nursing child on the other, so all the stories he heard were my second draft of my manuscript.
That must have felt oddly empowering.
Writing the book pregnant gave me a sense of what I could do in life, which didn’t end once I gave birth, because then I became a source of food.
My son had an allergy he grew out of, but he was allergic to all formula. I really was a food source, so that responsibility and a responsibility to my editor made me feel invincible. I felt like I knew what an accomplishment was when I sent in the first draft, but sending in the second, after having and nursing a child, I felt pretty unstoppable, even if I looked like a mess.
Did having a baby after the first draft inform the second draft?
The parts I added while pregnant with my son were some of the places – whether coincidence or causation – with some of the most emotionally vulnerable parts. I felt like while I was carrying my son, I was also giving birth to something else, a tribute to grandmother. I was creating a life and paying tribute to life at the same time.
My empathy for other women went through the roof. I found myself, even after giving birth, reaching out to other new mothers. I suddenly needed a community of mothers more than ever. Also, writing a book about my mother and grandmother was incredibly grounding. I found while pushing that I was thinking about my mother and grandmother. These people were characters in the book I was writing, but I’m here because of the women who came before me and went through this journey and made it happen.
Did anything surprise you about being a mother?
One of the most surprising things after giving birth was how I immediately forgave my mother for her overprotective meddling. I was like, yes this makes total sense because I will also have that fear and anxiety for the rest of my life. I owed my mother a huge apology.
Writing the book pregnant gave me a sense of what I could do in life, which didn’t end once I gave birth, because then I became a source of food.
What have been some of the more hilarious moments of motherhood so far?
Motherhood in quarantine, as every mother knows, is a challenge in finding what’s hilarious. You kind of have to laugh at everything. What quarantine taught me is that every other circumstance can be a cause for friction, but you just have to laugh. It’s the only way to survive. It’s also an important lesson for parenthood going forward. Finding the humor in the disaster.
The book is a matrilineal love story about my relationship with my grandmother and her relationship with her mother. It’s love skipping a generation. My grandma was a pretty absent mother but a doting, loving grandmother. The book is told in her voice from beyond the grave. So here I am trying to raise a baby in quarantine, wishing I could call her for advice all the time, but it’s a way to bring her back to me after she died. She was this fierce, passionate, incredibly chic woman and she was also my best friend. I talked to her on the phone everyday. This book is a tribute to her memory. What’s been amazing is that now Bobby, my grandmother feels like so many other people’s BFF, too.
And I’m not sure I ever did, except when she was coming over. My son was born in August, the hottest month on the planet. My husband and I were walking one night after the sun went down. We got in a fight because I was fussing the entire time on the walk about how he needed a hat and socks. “He’s cold!” I yelled. “He’s freezing.” My husband told me I was crazy and that he was basically sweating. I yelled, “Don’t call me crazy!” So I’m yelling at my husband while I’m overheating my child because I am in fact my own Jewish grandmother.
Given everything that’s going on in the world, how are you planning on raising a civically-engaged child?
That was also a big part of who my grandmother was and that’s why I am the way I am. She marched in Washington D.C. with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. There’s a story about that in the book. She and my grandfather were civil rights activists. My grandfather represented students for the Democratic society at Columbia University. My grandmother was the daughter of a Socialist union organizer. So I come from a line of strong progressive allies and the point of having a child now is to create a new generation of strong progressive allies. I will teach my son, who is a white man, to pass the mic and not to speak for those less powerful than him but to amplify those voices. My greatest hope is that my son helps fight for a better world than I and he was born into and generations before us were born into. I will have done my job if he helps empower people who are powerless and fights for social justice and the good.
You’ve waited and waited. You’ve let their hair grow long (and OK, maybe a little too wispy) and now it’s time for your kid’s first haircut in quarantine. Whether you have a go at it yourself, or their older sister beats you both to the punch, it doesn’t matter: the results are always 100% adorable.
