A Spatula for Diaper Cream. Genius.

By Rebecca L.

Gone are the days of Desitin under your fingernails after every diaper change. The first time a friend gave me the Baby Bum Brush Diaper Cream Applicator, I was like WTF, what is this? It’s literally a spatula for diaper cream! Fast forward a few months and now I even have a travel one.

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Our night nurse was also like WTF, and now she gives one to all of her new clients so she can use it on any baby she’s working with.


You Don't Need Three Bouncy Things On Your Registry But Here's What You Do Need.

By Babe | Photo courtesy of iStock

So your besties sent you five different spreadsheets for your registry, and just the thought of owning ALL THIS STUFF (let alone actually using it) feels pretty daunting. We got you, mama. Here’s your definitive registry hit list, so you get what you need, and nothin’ you don’t. 

Livin

  • 1 Baby Monitor
  • 1 Bassinet
  • 2 Bassinet Sheets
  • 1 Crib
  • 1 Crib Mattress
  • 3 Crib Sheets
  • 1 Crib Sheet Protector
  • 1 Changing Table / Pad
  • 2 Changing Pad Coverage
  • 1 Dresser / Place To Store Babe’s Stuff
  • 1 Humidifer
  • 1 Diaper Pail
  • 1 Rocker/Glider (or somewhere to nurse/rock that babe)
  • 1 Noise Machine
  • 1 Mobile
  • 1 Nightlight
  • Endless Wipes
  • Endless Diapers
  • Lots of Laundry Detergent
  • 1 Portable Wipe Dispenser

Dressin’

  • 5 Long-sleeve Onesies
  • 10 Short-sleeve Onesies
  • 5 Footed Jammies
  • 3 Velcro Swaddles
  • 3 Muslin Swaddles
  • 3 Sleep Sacks
  • 5 Newborn Sleep Gowns
  • 10 Tee Shirts
  • 10 Pants
  • 10 Socks
  • 3 Hats
  • 2 Mittens
  • 3 Baby Booties
  • 1 Winter Coat (optional)
  • Sun Hat

Feedin

  • 8 Bottles
  • 1 Bottle Brush
  • 1 Breast Pump + Accessories
  • Lots of Milk Storage Bags
  • 1 Nursing Pillow + Cover
  • Lots of Infant Formula (if you don’t nurse or supplement)
  • 8 Bibs
  • 8 Burp Cloths
  • Lots of Baby Safe Dishwashing Soap
  • 1 Formula Dispenser

Rollin’

  • 1 Stroller with bassinet
  • 1 Stroller Accessory Kit (ala Footmuff, Rain Shield, Sun Canopy)
  • 1 Baby Carrier
  • 1 Car Seat and Base
  • 1 Car Seat Mirror
  • 1 Car Seat Adaptor for Stroller
  • 2 Travel Crib Sheets

Chillin’

  • 1 Swing
  • 1 Activity Mat
  • 2 Pacifiers
  • 3 Cute Teething Accessories (Bonjour Sophie!)
  • 1 Jumparoo (optional)
  • 1 Mamaroo/Swing (optional)

Groomin’

  • 1 Infant Bath & Sink Bath 
  • 1 Suction Base Bath Mat
  • 3 Hooded Towels
  • Endless Gentle Bath Wash & Shampoos 
  • 1 Nasal Aspirator/ Bulb Syringe
  • 1 Baby Thermometer
  • 1 Baby Grooming set
  • 1 Baby Nail Clippers
  • 1 Medicine Dropper
  • 1 First Aid Kit 
  • 1 Baby hooded Bathrobe (’cause Instagram)
  • 5 Wash cloths

Lovin’

  • 5 suuuuper cute bedtime board books (start ‘em young!)
  • 3 picture frames or other chic memento keepsakes and photobooks
  • 1 gigantic baby lamb or some adorable stuffed animal with which you’ll document your babe for Instagram  
  • 3 retro onesies with cheeky sayings, your college mascot, or other ridiculously silly details. “Party in my crib, BYOB.” You get the gist.
  • 1 set of custom month blocks so you chart their age for all of your friends/family/followers
  • 2 Chic blankets you’d never splurge on yourself
  • 3 rattles or other play things to keep their attention for half a second

Natalia Bonifacci On The Importance Of Women, Self-Love, and Nurturing Your Body

Truth be told, Natalia—the half Italian, half Costa Rican mama—is a real-life wonder: grounded, super-kind, and stunning! I was able to catch up with her in LA a few weeks after she gave birth to her son Leo. Siting pregnancy as an unexpected life-changing experience, she related her experience to the Italian song, “Laura” by Vasco Rossi, ‘Laura’s going to have a baby by Christmas and everything else can wait.” because as the song says, pregnancy was a time to really care for herself and everything else could wait. @nataliabonifacci

On having a strong support system:

I was so fortunate to have an incredible group of women to help guide me physically and mentally through my pregnancy. Although I had a beautiful experience, I was not without fear. I was terrified to loose my identity and initially felt embarrassed by these feelings. Therefore, it was key for me to have friends that I trusted to voice my doubts and emotional struggles. It made me feel less alone, as no matter how much your partner is involved and wants to support you there are certain things that men will never understand, ever.

Selfcare:

Prior to becoming pregnant I loved happy hour, was a smoker, and the dance floor was my workout, but going through this experience changed everything for me—I felt so empowered. As a model I’ve been conditioned to find flaws in my body, whereas now I feel nothing but love for myself and have zero criticism.  I changed everything about my lifestyle to turn my body into the best home for my baby. I went to physical therapy for my scoliosis, hiking, swimming, prenatal yoga, and acupuncture weekly. I made adjustments to my diet and only to surrounded myself with positivity. I enjoyed how much I took care of my body and mind in order to cultivate the most beautiful energy for my baby. 

Identity:

I was so scared to loose myself in motherhood, as I liked my life and who I was. I was terrified of giving birth and having my body change, and I felt so guilty and superficial about having these feelings. I now know that it’s normal to have those fears and OK.

Post-Baby Weight:

Early on a trusted girlfriend gave me some solid advice. When I first found out I was pregnant, I would order pancakes all the time, which really wasn’t me. Then my best friend, who has a 3 year old, suggested that I eat something more nutritious. She warned that you’re actually not eating for two as the baby is tiny. From then on I choose eggs over pancakes.

I wore a waste band from the day I left the hospital, which probably helped me to lose my pregnancy weight fairly quickly. Plus, I remained active during my last trimester.

Cravings:

During my pregnancy, I quit eating sushi, drinking coffee, and smoking cigarettes. I mainly ate meat, potatoes, and pasta—I was anemic and had to force myself to eat meat. I also made an effort to drink a ton of water. Other meals that were high on my list: lentils as they’re strong in iron, rice & black beans (the CostaRican in me), grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato soup, plus Nutella & Ferrero Rocher (the Italian in me).

First Forty Days:

I was gifted a wonderful book called “The First Forty Days”, which I highly recommend. I loved exploring the Chinese approach to taking care of a woman’s body after birth. I’ve also relied on acupuncture, Chinese medicine, and iron supplements.

On having a doula:

I really respect women after this experience and I love my mom so much more.

I had a natural vaginal birth—which was the last thing that I ever thought I’d do. During my pregnancy my best friend suggested I meet her doula. She really helped me cope with the pain naturally and by the time I was screaming for drugs, the baby was nearly out. It was all very quick. I got to the hospital at 1:30am and he was born at 2:59am.

My doula had suggested talking to my baby when I was pregnant and I did that often—it’s such an intimate and special thing. When I was in early labor she told me to take a hot shower, talk to my baby, and sleep until I was in active labor. I told him “Bebe please let me rest now, and when you come, come quickly.” It kinda worked, I had a precipitous birth.

My water never broke and he was born in the sack. Apparently it’s rare, we looked it up after the fact and only 1 in 80,000 births are in the sack.

On pregnancy beauty:

I had a few sun spots, so I was vigilant about applying sunscreen—they went away after I had Leo. I rotated between Clarins Huile Tonic, Weleda for breast and belly, La Roche-Posay sunscreen, Clinique Even Better Clinal Dark Spot Corrector, Almond Oil for my whole body, and I love the HATCH Nipple + Lip balm.

Morning routine:

I’m not very structured as a mom and try to follow what my son does. If he’s awake, then I try to be awake with him, and if he sleeps, then I try to sleep as well. For the first month I was all over the place, but recently there’s more consistency to my day. Typically we hang out in bed for awhile and breastfeed, then I shower while he’s in  the Baby Bjorn chair, and we’ll pop out for some sun. 

On pregnancy style:

I bought a lot of flirty maxi dresses which I thought I’d wear afterwards too, however now that I’ve had the baby I’m so sick of wearing them. I also lived in black maternity skinny jeans mixed with a rocker Tee or one of my boyfriend’s shirts.

Any advice…

Voice your insecurities to your closest friends, as there’s no shame in it. Also, enjoy the ride, because it’s one of the most beautiful experiences a woman can have. And lastly, make it your own—you can read all the books and all the information, but in the end, do it your own way.

Allure Magazine’s Michelle Lee On Having Her 3rd Baby After 11 Years

This Editor-In-Chief is about to have her third baby at 44! Now, after 11 years since she was last pregnant, Michelle embarks on an entirely new stage of motherhood. Here, this beauty guru chats about having two older kids with a baby on the way. Plus, how preparing her team for maternity leave, her clean-ish pregnancy beauty routine, and top tips for getting out the door looking cute when pregnant. @heymichellelee

Wow, I’m in awe — your third baby! How are you feeling?

For each of my pregnancies, I had horrible morning sickness up until the 5th or 6th month. And the same for this one! Although now that I’m near the end the queasiness is long gone— I have about three weeks left! —Overall I’m doing pretty well, but around 4 o’clock every day, I hit a wall, and my back needs a rest.

You have 2 kids — ages?

Ethan is 14 and Gabby is 11.

What does that feel like to be pregnant after 11 years?

Honestly, it’s wild. Your body remembers certain things right away. But my life is so different than it was 11 years ago. I think I’m busier this time around, which has made this pregnancy go quickly. I don’t have time to think about it! Plus, it’s true what they say about second and third babies: you’re just not as stressed out about everything. Childbirth doesn’t scare me. I know what I actually need to buy versus what’s a waste. I will say: technology has changed a lot since the last time I was pregnant. I can’t believe how much breast pumps have improved. And diaper delivery! Total gamechanger.

What was your path to this pregnancy — what is the story?

I thought for the past ten years that I was good with two kids. We had our boy and our girl, and they’re amazing. Seriously, the best, sweetest, funniest kids ever. But something shifted about a year and a half ago. I had this strange biological urge to have another one — partly sparked by the panic of seeing how quickly our kids have grown up. It made me sad to think that we’d never experience a little one again. So, I talked it over with my husband, and we decided it was now or never. AND when I think about what’s essential in my life, yes, my career is important, but at the end of the day, life is all about family and your loved ones.

Any crazy cravings?

Nothing crazy. But my tastes have shifted. A small example, but I typically can’t stand ice water because it’s just too cold. But now I want ALL the ice. And I love anything sour. I like to put a splash of tart cherry juice into ice water — it tastes so delicious right now.

Most looking forward to becoming a mom of three?

It’s been adorable to see how excited my older kids are about their upcoming sibling. I’m looking forward to seeing them interact. The significant age gap worried me a little at first because I wondered how close the 3 of them would be. But the more I’ve talked to other people who have similar situations, the more I think it’s going to be very cool for all of them.

Most nervous about becoming a mom (especially after being out of baby stage for awhile)?

I don’t think we fully remember what that first sleepless month with a newborn is like — I’ve certainly blocked it out. But I’ll have to keep reminding myself that that stage goes by so quickly.

Any hacks or wellness secrets you can share for feeling better or being able to continue working during pregnancy?

Treat yourself! If you want to lay in bed all day on a Sunday and binge watch Netflix, do it. I’ve also gotten into the idea of making my bedroom more spa-like: light a candle, turn on spa nature sounds, do a face mask, and just relax.

What do you do to feel good during pregnancy — massages, nails, etc.?

I LOVE an excellent prenatal massage. I got one early on at Chillhouse in Soho, plus the Four Seasons Downtown has a great HATCH Mama prenatal massage and is conveniently located near our office. I’m also a huge nail art fan so I’ve kept that up. I do my own nails most of the time and luckily there are lots of great polishes that are 10-free and even 16-free now, like Paintbox and Sally Hansen’s new line. There’s also a fantastic organic remover by Karma Naturals.

What is your plan for maternity leave and going back to work?

I’ll on maternity leave for about four months. I have a fantastic team here at Allure, who I’ve delegated duties to, especially our Executive Beauty Director Jenny Bailly. And I’m going to do a weekly phone call with the team, more so I can help them remove any barriers that could come up.

Any advice to women that are nervous about getting pregnant because they work or have a big career?

It’s natural to feel nervous about being out of the office for several months, but you need that time to recover physically and emotionally and to bond with your baby. Please don’t feel guilty for taking the time and enjoying it. That said, do leave your team in good shape, feeling like you’ve done your best to make the transition smooth. You don’t want people feeling resentful while you’re out.

What are you listening to (fave podcast) or reading these days?

My husband is an executive coach and doing work with Stanford Behavior Design Lab director BJ Fogg who just came out with the book Tiny Habits, which is all about how setting new routines starts with accomplishing small changes. So, I’m reading that.

As for podcasts, I’ve really gotten into true crime. I finished a lot of great ones like Dr. Death and Dear John and have moved on to Dateline’s series now. I also love Conan O’Brien’s podcast. Listening makes my commute go so much faster!

How do you take time for yourself to reflect as a busy woman and mom to three?

I try hard to make weekends and nighttimes just family time. My daughter loves baking, so we’ll take time on a Sunday and do that together. Or we’ll all find a show or movie that we can watch as a family. Our latest was The Mandalorian. I typically don’t send emails or Slack messages past 8 PM since I also want to set a tone with my team that they don’t need to be on-call at all hours of the day. But it also helps to set a tone for me: I genuinely believe you can’t be the best, most creative editor if your entire life is work only.

If you had 5 extra minutes a day, how would you spend them?

At the moment, any spare time I have is spent kicking my feet up and resting. I also have this back massager called a Tiger Ball, which is like a firm rubber tennis ball on a rope. When I lean against it, it really gets into this one spot on my back that’s tense, and it’s so satisfying.

Have you overhauled your beauty routine with pregnancy?

For a while now, I’ve been transitioning a lot of my skincare routine to be cleaner, so it wasn’t a difficult shift. There are certain ingredients I’ve paused using, like retinol and a lot of acids, plus I’ve stopped doing chemical exfoliation.

What is your beauty regime?

For the body, I’ve been using Dr. Bronners body soap and also Necessaire body wash and lotion, as well as Kora Organics lotion and body oil, which I like to mix. I’ve also been slathering Mutha’s body butter on my belly every night. For hair, I had already been using AG Naturals shampoo and conditioner, and I love various hair masks as well. Makeup hasn’t changed that much. But for skincare, some of my holy grail products have been Peach & Lily Glass Skin Serum and Drunk Elephant C Firma.

Your pregnancy style in one word?

Dresses. Everything.

What’s your go-to power look?

For work, I’m usually a big dress person anyway, but especially while I’ve been pregnant, midi dresses have been my best friends. For my last two pregnancies, I did not look cute—it was all Uggs and sweats and just bad. So this time around, I’ve been committed to looking cute and wearing heels every day. I’ve also tried to stack my closet with pieces that I could still wear even after the baby is here.

3 top tips for getting out the door looking cute pregnant?

1. Be mindful of proportion. As my belly gets bigger, I like to play with dimension and will roll the sleeves on a jacket or play up a skinny ankle boot.

2. Mascara and blush make ALL the difference. Everyone has two products that make them feel pulled together. For me, curling my lashes and applying a few coats of mascara opens up my tired eyes. And blush makes me instantly look alive. At a minimum, I’ll do those even on a lazy weekend, and it makes me feel better.

3. Play with prints and colors. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve certainly worn solids or a fitted black tank dress, but in general, I love having fun with prints and color. As we’re doing this interview, it’s winter and freezing, but I’m wearing a bright red teddy coat, with a red and purple dress. There’s absolutely no reason to relegate yourself to dull shapes or prints while you’re pregnant. Have fun!

Single Mama Ashley Wright On The 4th Trimester From Postpartum To Breastfeeding

Living in her truth as a single mother of two, this motivating mama shares her epic story.

From homelessness to coming into her own, Ashley opens up about her experience as a new mom. Herein, this tower of strength shares on the power of breastfeeding, postpartum care, leaning into her tribe, and the importance of holding space for herself. @mswrightsway

“I had to grow up emotionally and physically very quickly to navigate single motherhood.”

Shannon, my eldest, is seven, and Satori is two. My pregnancies were equally easy (physically) and sad (emotionally) as my relationships with both fathers ended during my pregnancies. As a result, I had to grow up very quickly and work through the trauma to show up for myself and children to navigate single motherhood.

“There was a power that came with sharing, being vulnerable and speaking my truth.”

Early on, I leaned into my story and community. There was a power that came with sharing, being vulnerable and speaking my truth. I was a little lost until I learned to reach out to my online village and regularly count on the powerful people around me.

“While I definitely wanted to breastfeed her because it provided optimal health, I also did it because I couldn’t afford formula. Breast milk was free.”

I had Shannon in the hospital naturally without drugs. And, then I breastfed her until she was four and a half. It’s funny, I could give you this whole spiel about how it’s the “most natural way,” and “I love the bond”, which are both true, but not the whole truth. While I did want to breastfeed her because it provided optimal health, I mostly did it because I couldn’t afford formula. Breast milk was free. When it came time to stop (for most), I still enjoyed it. So I kept at it. Breastfeeding releases oxytocin which helps you manage and balance all the emotions that come with new motherhood. Over time I saw how well she was developing. Plus, I felt sexy as hell and powerful for sustaining life from my bosom. Even though this went against traditional societal timelines, it felt right to me and I carried on. We need more audacious women that stand in their power.

“You have options on how you get pregnant, how you give birth and how you nurse. There are options for all of it.”

All of this plays a role in terms of how I showed up, and the reason why I chose to display myself breastfeeding on the regular. I want to show women they have choices. And, it doesn’t just have to look the way that society tells you it has to look.

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You have options on how you get pregnant, how you give birth, and how you nurse. There are options for all of it.

“I’m on a mission to shift the narrative about how we think of breastfeeding past one-year-old as well as what single motherhood looks like.”

Years ago when I shared that I was breastfeeding Shannon at two, three and four years old, people were messaging me that she was going to be sick and slow with messed up teeth from breastfeeding. But, now you can see the result, she is none of those things.

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Instead, she speaks three languages, reads at an advanced level and has excellent teeth with no cavities. I’m on a mission to shift the narrative about how we think of breastfeeding past one-year-old as well as what single motherhood looks like.

“There was a time that I was homeless with my child.”

I am changing the conversation around what it means to be a single black mother of two, who is navigating outside of what they said I was “supposed to be,” i.e. miserable, angry, and poor. I’m none of those things, at least not today, because I did the work. There was a time when I was homeless with my child. There was a time when I could not believe that I was “that statistic.” There was a time when I was questioning my value and my worth. There was a time when I was living on food stamps and couldn’t believe my situation. But, I picked myself up and stood in my power. Keep in mind I didn’t grow up poor, my parents are still married and I’m a college grad with a degree and student loans to show for it.

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But, my first relationship was a very abusive one with my child’s father, and I found myself in that predicament nonetheless.

“I knew I needed to take care of myself in order to be a good mother.


During pregnancy, I went to therapy and received professional support to heal my traumas. Plus, I began to prioritize fitness through dance and yoga. I knew I needed to take care of myself in order to be a good mother. If you are compromising the quality and care of yourself then you are compromising the quality and care of others. You can’t show up for anyone if you don’t show up for yourself. I got into yoga and dancing and learned how to move through my circumstances. Slowly I picked myself up and changed my mindset.

“I’m showing you can live free and love unapologetically in motherhood, breastfeeding and taking care of yourself…”

Plus, I learned to ask for help. Often we get caught up as mothers in projecting this facade of perfection and are embarrassed to ask for what we need. Society and social media say you have to be flawless, a perfect mom. As a result, so many women are sitting around saying they are OK and not getting the sophisticated support they need because they are so busy hiding from themselves. We need to connect through vulnerability. I’m showing you can live free and love yourself unapologetically in motherhood, breastfeeding and taking care of yourself so you can be more present and show up for your children.

“I birthed my second unassisted in my living room, on this very sofa, with only the child’s father and Shannon there.”

My second baby I birthed unassisted in my living room, (on this very sofa), with only the child’s father and Shannon there. Before I gave birth to her, I became a doula and care worker. Through that process of working with women, along with the experience of my first birth, I felt connected to Mother Earth and knew I could trust my body. I was a healthy non-risk pregnancy, had birthed before naturally and was in tune with my body. Once you start getting into the practice of listening to your body and not attending to outward noise, you can dial up your intuition that which we have as mothers and it is strong. If you tap into that, it’s powerful. So I chose to do that and had her at home.

“My last birth was powerful as all, I mean, I didn’t even push, because you don’t push a baby out, the body and baby guide it.”

Granted if I did it again, I would likely have a different level of powerful women supporting and surrounding me. My last birth was powerful as all, I mean, I didn’t even push, because you don’t push a baby out, the body and baby guide it. The reason you get a contraction is that the baby controls that – every time she wiggles down a little more, you get a contraction. So if you get out of your way, tap into understanding birth on a more intuitive level in a women-led and baby-led space then you will know that it’s true and not a cute soundbite.

“It’s a timely reminder into the now because as a single mom I can get so caught up in the urgency to make more money and work all the time.

Moments are fleeting, this I have learned and wrote a book about it called A Time For Presence. It’s a beautiful story, a reality rather. Shannon taught me to be present, while my youngest enforces it. As a working mom that’s constantly on my computer and always saying “no” to her requests to play because I have to work. One day when she was much younger, she wanted to go outside, and so reluctantly, I agreed. I realized on that trip to the park, that she wouldn’t always ask me to play with her. She is only going to be a baby for so long and how powerful for her to know that she can lean on me, her mother, to be there for her. Quickly I understood that I needed that trip to the park more than she did and for the rest of the day we found ourselves in alignment. Our energies were better. She felt happy and it changed the whole vibration of our home. Which in turn allowed me to go home and get the work I needed to get done instead of fighting, forcing and pushing. It’s a timely reminder into the now because as a single mom we can get so caught up in the urgency to make money and work all the time. But it’s just as important to carve out some time and take those moments when you can as ultimately it serves you in a much bigger way. It’s not just about going to the park. You need moments to breathe as well.

“Part of self-care is being clear about what you need and not being afraid to ask for it. Advocate for yourself.”

Learning to lean into the powerful people around me and know what it is to say “I need help,” made mothering possible. I can’t say it enough as it’s so important to lean into your circle, be it your mom, friends or caregivers. And, the more you ask, the more people will show up. Part of self-care is being clear about what you need and not being afraid to ask for it. Advocate for yourself.

"They're not only opposed to gay marriage, but surrogacy in general." Bryce Abplanalp as a dad in Mormon Utah.

By Bryce Abplanalp

Jeffrey and I met about four-and-a-half years ago. We spent the first few years of our marriage traveling the world. We spent time in Africa at an orphanage, in Europe and throughout Southeast Asia. Then we decided we wanted a family, so we put traveling on hold to start saving money. We also started researching the surrogacy process. We met with a fertility center to see what we needed to do, and before we knew it, we were creating embryos through an egg donor we found online. It was like the Tinder of baby pictures for egg donors. We were swiping left, swiping right, intensely judging people, and finally we found an anonymous donor where we knew her basic biographic and genetic information. 

We had a hard time finding a surrogate. We live in Utah, which is a really conservative, Mormon state. They’re not only opposed to gay marriage but to surrogacy in general. We went through 35 surrogates who either refused to meet with us or said no because we were gay. We’re both former Mormons, and when the church came out strongly against gay marriage,  we really struggled with it. It fractured our families. It’s hard to be told no time and time again. It makes you feel like you’re not worthy. People don’t feel like you deserve to have kids of your own.

Finally someone accepted us. We met her and she started on the meds, but her uterus didn’t thicken the way it should have. We did a few rounds, but her body didn’t respond. So we started the entire process again. We found another surrogate and it started working after a few cycles. The fertility center told us to transfer two embryos (we had nine). We used one embryo from each of us. We were lucky that they both took and we were expecting twins! We had a pretty uneventful pregnancy so far, but then our surrogate got a steroid shot for the babies’ lung development and it triggered labor at 34 weeks. Our twin girl and boy, Larue, 4lbs, and Ridge, 6lbs, arrived on November 27. After spending about 12 days in the NICU, both twins, now over a year, are healthy. 

We went through 35 surrogates who either refused to meet with us or said no because we were gay.

Our surrogate had a lot of complications after the birth. During delivery, she had a natural, unmedicated vaginal birth, except afterwards her placenta didn’t come out. Normally they would do c-section if they knew the patient had Placenta Accreta, which is when the placenta grows into the uterus, but her previous two births were fine. They tried multiple D&C’s to get the placenta out, and they thought they got it all, but two weeks later she still wasn’t feeling well, even months later. She was literally bleeding four months later. Ultimately they had to do a hysterectomy about a month ago. 

The couple’s path to parenthood:

It goes without saying that we felt a tremendous amount of guilt about what happened. She gave us this beautiful gift and made this major sacrifice. It’s awesome but it’s hard for us to handle sometimes. We felt really guilty about it. Of course now that we have twins, we might be done, anyway. It’s really hard. And do we really want to spend another $50,000 to $60,000 on another birth? Maybe it’s better to put that money into their college funds. We would also adopt. Right now we just want to focus on getting our kids to sleep through the night.

A lot of people ask us why we’re choosing to raise our family in conservative Utah. I’d say the stigma is still pretty severe and that we have as many supporters as detractors all told. We get very negative comments about our family, but we also get incredibly supportive comments. It solicits a lot of positivity. Our families are both supportive. For being as Mormon as Utah is, it also has a good and strong gay community and we’ve met a lot of families similar to ours. We’re all just trying to raise kids in this world and do the best we can. We considered California and thought maybe it would be more inclusive, but we also felt that we could serve a higher purpose by staying here and being visible. A lot of gay youth in Mormonism commit suicide. Utah has one of the highest rates in the nation, especially for LGBT kids. If we can stay here and shine a light, maybe we can help. I mean we never thought that we could be gay and get married and have kids, and here we are.

Do You Want A Stranger Living In Your Home? Enter the baby nurse.

By Babe | Illustration by Ana Hard

In our series The Debate, our community of real moms tackle the pros and cons around the idea of a baby nurse. The truth is, like so many decisions around child rearing, there is no right or wrong answer.  At HATCH, our job is to give voice to both sides of any debate, peppering real mom wisdom with the necessary facts so that you can make the best decision for you and your family.

After “And what shall, we name him?,” the question of whether or not to get a baby nurse is probably one of the heaviest decisions a mother can make. Of course, so much of that choice depends on finances, living space, other children at home, proximity to family and various work schedules, but one thing’s for sure – a baby nurse can be a wonderful resource in figuring out life post-babe (not to mention getting a little shut-eye), or totally intrusive, depending on your POV.      

“A baby nurse can be incredibly helpful in many ways for the right parent,” says Dr. Aliza Pressman, parenting expert and co-founder of seedlingsgroup and host of the Raising Good Humans podcast. “But you have to manage expectations. Some baby nurses are wonderful for their experience, but parents often forget that they don’t have a professional healthcare approach. If you do hire one, make it for a limited period of time  – no longer than five months – so that your baby doesn’t get attached to a temporary figure.”

In this episode of The Debate, we hear from two of our HATCH mamas – one who lived for hiring a baby nurse (#noregrets) – and one who preferred that the intimacy of those first few weeks at home be shared exclusively with her partner and babe. Whatever you decide, remember that you’re still mama and you call the shots. “If a mom has the ability to take care of herself and sleep and get support, whether with a nurse, doula or mother-in-law, it’s always beneficial,“ says Dr. Pressman. “Just don’t forget that you’re still the mom. You’re not an incompetent person just because there’s a professional there telling you they know best.” 

All Nurse, All The Time

Dini Klein
founder of Prep and Rally family meal prep subscription
Andi, 6 
Jolie, 4
Solomon, 3 months

“With my first daughter, I was working as a private chef in New York City and my hours were nuts. I was working until the day I gave birth and was working again two weeks after having her. I don’t really take breaks. If I don’t work, I don’t make money. So I knew I needed a nurse to help out. We were living in a one-bedroom apartment with a pull-out couch, so it was not ideal. We had her for one week, and the rest of the time I was juggling it all. I’d put the baby in the carrier and try to get through the day, and it was super stressful. I just didn’t have the space to accomodate someone comfortably even though I needed the help. 

By the time I had my second daughter, we had moved out of the city and had more space. Stupidly, I thought, I got this. I can do it on my own. Meanwhile the baby had reflux and was up all night. It was a lot to juggle, and if I could do that experience all over again, I definitely would’ve gotten a nurse. 

I’m due in January with my third and it’s not even a QUESTION. I’m having someone for the first month or two, and possibly more. I’m going to play it by ear and see how things go. My work schedule is slightly different now. I’m not a private chef but I run a family meal subscription business, so I need to be at my desk working, and then twice a week, I test recipes. So I’ll have someone here to help me with sleep training, and it gives me the space to tend to my two other kids who still need attention. Plus I have lunches to make and work to balance. I need to sleep at night to get my work done and be a human being. 

The best part of having a baby nurse is sleep. I need a good eight hours, otherwise I’m off my game and I feel miserable and cranky. I need my sleep. My husband can function on four hours of sleep and be totally fine. I need my sleep and that’s a reason right there to have one, especially if you’re working and need to function the next day. The “nap when the baby naps” idea is a very new mom thing. When you have other kids and you’re running carpool and working, it’s a totally different situation.

With a baby nurse, it’s all about finding someone who jives well with you and who you feel comfortable with. Now we’re a bit more set up. She’ll have her own little domain with a bedroom and bathroom, but we’ll still be under one roof. The key is to find someone a friend has used, or go based on references. I don’t have time to sit and interview millions of people. I need someone I know is fantastic and committed, which is easier said than done. I also think it’s about having no expectations. I’m going to play it by ear and be flexible with everything. It may be a totally different situation, so I’m going to feel it out.”

No Nurse, No Thanks

Chrystie Neidhardt
Director of Wholesale, HATCH
Esme, 2

“The ironic thing is that we were supposed to have a baby nurse, but in the end, we didn’t and I’m so much happier for it. Because Esme was my first, we weren’t sure what to expect. I heard from friends that a baby nurse is helpful in the first few weeks – that I could get sleep and she’d take some of the pressure off. So we got a great recommendation from a friend and signed up for two weeks with the possibility of extending. However, that same friend ended up getting pregnant and delivered right before me.

I ended up having an emergency c-section. I wasn’t really mobile at all, and as soon we came home from the hospital, my partner and I discovered very quickly that we had to work as a team and figure out what the best strategy was for us. I think that was helpful for our relationship and in going forward with the baby. We started dividing up the labor right away. Because my milk was slow to come in after the c-section, we supplemented the 3:00am feeding. So we figured out what’s the best schedule that works? Because we were using a bottle, it took the pressure off me a bit. I would feed at midnight and sleep until 6:00am. Dave is a much better sleeper than me, so he would sleep from 9:00pm-3:00am and then stay up with the baby and go back to sleep once I got up for the day. We figured out what worked best and also I was much more comfortable being able to experience these new and super raw emotions just with my partner and without someone living in our home. 

At first I was nervous without a nurse. People always say, “Your motherly instincts will kick in,” but that puts a lot of pressure on new moms. You don’t know what you’re doing and you’re navigating so many things being thrown at you. In the end, you do the best you can. But it forced my husband and I to rely on each other. What do we think is best, how do we want to handle this situation? So we had to trust our own judgement and ultimately I think that was the right thing for us.

The only time I felt like I really needed help was when Dave went back to work after two weeks. Those first few nights were difficult because he needed to sleep. There was so much more responsibility on me, and I wasn’t completely active. I was very much still recovering, so those days were particularly hard. Plus, some of those postpartum feelings started creeping in, and at some point, I felt really alone. But I don’t know that I needed a baby nurse. If I have a second child, I’ll just make sure my mom is there or a companion can come support me when he goes back to work.” 

Our Community's Top Reasons for Getting a Baby Nurse:

"I was scared and didn't know what to expect. I wanted an expert in the room."
"I know myself and I knew that if I wasn't sleeping, I'd be miserable."
"I wanted to learn how to care for my baby from someone who had cared for many babies before mine."
"We didn't know jackshit about raising a baby."

Top Reasons Our Community Didn't Get A Nurse:

"I figured she couldn't stay with us forever, so what was the point?"
"It was such a tender moment that I wanted to share it between myself and my husband."
"I can't share my home with a total stranger."
"I wanted to say that I raised my child from the very beginning."

Rolls Cute Enough To Eat File under: our next meal.

What is it about seeing baby rolls that makes us want to promptly flush our birth control down the toilet and try for that third? What is it about those delectably sweet, pinchable pieces of baby fat that makes us want to slather on some salt, drizzle on some honey and just munch for days?

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Whatever hormonal happenings are going down, it’s official – these baby rolls are even better than a Balthazar French loaf — and that’s saying a lot, ’cause you know how we feel about carbs…
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I Have ZERO Sex Drive After Birth The Baby Killed My Mojo.

By Babe | Illustration by Ana Hard

At first you were just emotionally and physically exhausted. And then you started faking being emotionally and physically exhausted. The truth is, ever since the baby was born, having sex with your partner is lower on the enjoyment list than changing a diaper explosion with the onesie still on. So you think there must be something wrong with your relationship and that you guys are totally doomed. 

Good news. The reality is you’re like the rest of us just dealing with lots of change, hormonally, existentially, physically, and it can take a toll in various ways. In our series, “Is it Normal,” we’re here to remind you just how normal these seemingly dark feelings are in your new role as mother. So we invited Jean Fitzpatrick, a relationship therapist + New York-based psychotherapist to help answer your questions and guide you on a path that will no doubt be filled with these VERY real, very “normal” experiences, and how you can cope moving forward.

So if you can’t figure out how to get back to feeling sexy and sexual, Jean’s gonna break it down.

“Various aspects of new motherhood can serve as ‘brakes’ to your desire,” Jean says. “After pregnancy and birth you have a new relationship with your own body.  You may need to rethink what makes you feel sexy and desirable. 

“For example, instead of comparing your body to your pre-pregnancy self, accept that recovery takes time. Return to regular workouts as soon as your doctor recommends. Rather that pressure yourself to look a certain way, enjoy the process: the endorphins you release, and the muscle strength you’re gaining. Be proud of your amazing, life-giving body. You’ve grown a baby!

For some women, skin-to-skin contact with the baby is so relaxing — or so demanding — that they feel like a unit with the baby and may not feel a need or even desire for more physical closeness. 

Team up with your partner to create new paths to intimacy. Shift your focus from having more sex to sparking no-pressure moments of desire. Make eye contact when you talk, text love notes, try massage, dance in the kitchen. Often couples focus on date night, hoping it will work magic, but there’s no substitute for brief, playful encounters from day to day. 

Shift your focus from having more sex to sparking no-pressure moments of desire.

If you’re back at work, then balancing the demands of baby, household, and career may be leaving you stressed, depleted, or even resentful of your partner. If you’re overwhelmed with tasks, it’s time to set up a regular “business meetings” with your partner to be sure chores are shared equitably. Also consider how to use your resources to get additional help during this exhausting period.”

The $1,300 Bassinet That Makes Good Sleepers 12 hours, mama.

By Lisa Goldfarb | @itsmelissaliliana

This article contains affiliate links, which means we may earn a small commission if a reader clicks through and makes a purchase. Visit our Disclosures page for more information.

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